Sexually Abused as a Child ... and I Liked It

Growing up in a house devoid of affection was more traumatic than being molested as a child.

When touch warms up a boy's cold existence, the deed's immorality is virtually insignificant. At least to him.

Whether habit makes him return for more is debatable.

After 27 years of inner turmoil, silence and grudges, my precocious sexualization is becoming less of an issue.

Mother battered and devalorized me cruelly at home. At least, my molesters used no violence or awfully-crude language. Non-violent, feel-good, physical contact was welcome change. That was my logic as a child.

Gratitude in this context can shock, but I feel lucky.

Truth is, my experience with sexual abuse was benign compared to others'. I was touched more than anything, with futile anal intercourse attempts. That's why, to this day, I struggle calling the culprits 'abusers'.

Is "illicit source of physical closeness" a better appellation?

Most culprits were teens from our poor, delinquent and illiterate ghetto. Many came from large families cramped in one-room apartments. In the absence of room, they vented their sexual frustration outside.

Except my nanny's teenage son. His plaything lived right next door.

Mom caught us right after the act, one afternoon. But, since she respected his father, she said nothing. Instead, she cowardly had me break the embarrassing news to the guy's sister -- my then-best friend.

Am I wrong for hurting more over mom's inaction?

I'm an optimist. I, thus, can tune out outside issues if a loving home awaits. But, when you are abused, find nobody home to console you, you're lost. It's worse when you have an absentee parent in whom you can't confide.

The incident that scarred me the most was courtesy of a babysitter.

The personal assistant to one of mom's "friends". I was often left alone with him while everybody partied until the wee hours of the morning elsewhere. Knowing his intentions, I'd sternly watch cartoons to resist falling asleep.

Being only five, and after a grueling day at school, I always dozed off. I'd open my eyes to find myself on his lap, his tobacco-stinking mouth devouring my face and his loins frantically rubbing against my body.

One evening, I complained about that in graphic detail to mom. I begged not to be taken there. She promised to have him replaced. Countless nights after, I found myself alone with him again, sleepily succumbing to his urges.

Face to face. Butt to loins. Childhood helplessness to adult lust. A feeling of betrayal to a feeling of lucking out. A justified grudge to bestial insensitivity.

To this day, she swears I never told her about it ...


  1. oh my god..that was ..the most ..i can't explain things straight..i was used to be in that position. my cousin did something to was disgustful..i'm sure as well that mom and dad would claim that i never told them about it too..

  2. @ Jenny: I am sorry you had to go through abuse, sweetie. But we need to start the healing process, today before tomorrow. There are too many of us out there and it is time we united to let go of the hurt. I, for one, never thought I'd see that day. Big HUG and welcome!

  3. i was STUNNED by the title of this post, being too reminiscent of my father, as he LIKED being abused by his adoptive father, and in turn, thought it was the right thing to do with me. i was NOT as appreciative...
    let me find some composure...
    you claim they have not harmed you [physically...],
    and yet, there is a retiecence in you i can only blame on previous events in your life for it.

    i know personally. for all my attempts, i fall for the wrong guys and got hurt way too much to be reasonable. what i went through has affected me, somehow...

    i don't blame the guys [enterely],
    some were jerks,
    but some others ...perhaps...who knows???

    my father?
    i would chop him up in little pieces if i thought i could get away with him. a while back, i had to clip his finger nails, and the mere touch made me so nauseous, i went home and got pissing drunk just to forget, and called in sick the day after.
    (don't ever touch alcool, it'll destroy you... as it will for me)
    i resent the very existence of that man!!!!
    i can't kill him,
    and i have yet to this day to take care of him because my mom died too soon.
    :(~ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    and he just won't dye!!
    damn fucker!!!
    i have issues.
    not for you to deal with.
    maybe you have the best angle on things to minimize what was done to you...
    we all have our own way to cope....
    are you really coping???

    (j'arrete ici avant de dire d'autres idioties ou de blasphemer plus encore...)

    no fault of yours,
    but i feel SO pissed off now....
    i'd strangle him, if i could...


  4. sorry!
    i noticed some typos after publishing.....
    too emotional, i guess...

  5. i like "jenny".
    have you read her "about me"?
    what it says about her perspective on life...
    i'm getting a little bit too clinical,
    and i'm not even a shrink...
    but i did have to use psychology back then,
    dealing with people in sickness and distress.

    HUGZ to JENNY!!!
    may they be of some comfort to you,
    even from a stranger.
    isn't it all that we are on the web?...

  6. Intense. Piercing. I'm at a loss of words to explain how this post has touched me. It drudged up blurred images of what could be my childhood driver at his first few attempts of crossing a boundary.

    Most adults tend to block out the fact that their child has mentioned potential abuse / molestation .. its like they don't necessarily want to hear that. I'm sorry that you had to face the same with your mother.

    A lot of people would not understand WHY a child would continue to let someone be inappropriate with them. But if they had been in the environment that child was in - that so called abuse might have been the only form of affection one was receiving.

    It's such a delicate and sensitive subject. And it takes a strong individual who has come to term with his/her demons; who has moved ahead without letting that part of his/her life continue to affect them .. Thank you for sharing and allowing us further into your life. I'm honoured by my association with you.

    Big Hugs.

  7. wilmy, you might think i'm exaggerating but my tears really wanted to escape from my eyes... if only the kids aren't around, oh my! i swear my emotions could've exploded. i chose not to go on details but leaving a comment like this will give you a hint. i just want to send you a warm e-hug for posting this and for being so brave doing so... mmmuah! ~hugz!~

  8. truly intense and thought-provoking. Being at work while reading you, I think I'll have to go outside to smoke a cigarette now (we're in France so no smoking in the office). Thank you for sharing your experience! Hugs from Paris

  9. oohhhh..thanks for the hugs and warm words you've given to me..i really appreciate it a LOT.but i forgot to tell you that i was never on that position where he will be doing the act to me..he just licked my neck and asked me if my va--- was clean..i hate him.

  10. @ Ticklebear: Dearest, my story cannot compare to your heroic survival of incestuous molestation. And this ain't vain flattery. I was not kidding when I first said that I admire you on more than one level. I feel close to and am proud of the kid inhabiting the man, and cherish the energy, both positive and negative, he sends out into the universe. I see you as a soul brother who makes being oneself all the more endearing. Sappy but I mean it.

    What your father did is atrocious, but I did not know that he, himself, was a victim of sexual abuse. Molestation is never something we like or appreciate; that's why I expected the title to provoke surprise and, possibly, stupor. All I did was contrast the gravity of my experience with molestation and with domestic violence. I concluded that my molesters were more merciful than my abusive mother.

    I am aware it is too much to ask of ourselves, but I'd really like for us to forgive and be set free of the victim status we've been dragging for this long. It's pretentious and delusional of me to hope for that, given the different gravity levels of the molestation we respectively experienced, but I see the vibrant souls floating inside us, and these should stop being darkened by the traces of a past we had no control over.

    Let's just try. Something within me believes in a better today and an even brighter tomorrow provided that we euthanize our violated yesterday. Let's put together a funeral for our abused pasts and crawl on in our lives. We did not meet for no reason, and I shall cling to the belief that this reason may be our emancipation from the heavy chains of our stained childhoods. It'll prove enduring and will open wounds, but it is time we brought peace back to our hearts!

  11. @ Dazediva: All the honor is mine for counting you as a member of the family that's taking shape on here. You've been so kind and generous from the start.

    Sexual abuse is a burden that slows down the young victim's progress in life. When molestation is accentuated by physical, emotional and verbal abuse at home, the victim gradually disintegrates.

    Mo'Nique, Mary Jones in "Precious", is the reason I started to consider letting go of the repercussions that came with my experience with sexual abuse. I am starting to refuse to wear the badge of the victim all my life.

    It's time a movement is started to take child molestation survivors by the hand and make them realize the incredible potential they have never been told they possess, and to use it for the betterment of the condition of this world.

    Sexual abuse victims have lifted the weight of the world all alone for so long. Now is the time to give them a break. I'm very optimistic about such venture! :)

    Big Hugs!

  12. @ i_wander: It's fine, mama. You can cry, but tears of joy because this boy right here is finally daring to divorce the pain that kept munching on his inner peace all his life. :)

    It's the beginning of a great chapter in my life, which I am certain will be an impressive leap forward. Getting acquainted with a first contact with self-love is still new a feeling, but it sure feels GREAT!

    You see, I am an exemplary student: you show me you like me and I follow into your footsteps and start liking myself. Ginormous Hugs! :)

  13. @ Dieter: I hope my post did not make you need nicotine; that would be a crime I am not ready to plead guilty for. :) Thank you for stopping by and for reminding me how my initial place of birth protects people with respiratory problem, of whom I am one. ;) Hugs

  14. @ Jenny: I am relieved your cousin stopped at being a jerk. You, and nobody in this world, deserves to experience sexual abuse, let alone a child.

    The hugs are genuine, Jenny. You seem like such a sweet girl. Even my beloved bother, Ticklebear, seems to like you. He, usually, never fails to spot good people. That's how he found me. lol

  15. Honey, you could write a novel. I encourage you to do it. I hope we can talk soon.

  16. @ Jazid: I could or should? :) Thanks for the encouragement!

  17. i agree with what you've said,and in similarity my 'mother' also denied knowledge, i only tried to tell her once when i was around 16 years old and she was more interested in the size of his manhood. i was only 7 when i was being abused but mine was not only sexual and like you when i look back i wonder if i didnt acutally want that affection in some way because i didnt get any other and although he threatened me he didnt actuall 'hurt' me and it was others who commited physical abuse that did the real damage to me and in the long run it was my 'mother' because she abandoned me knowing i was being hurt in some form but only cared about herself..
    i am writing or trying to put in writing my own experiences so if you are interested you might like to check out one of my blogs ishi-mysay..
    i dont think people unless they experience the same really understand. you feel dirty for what you feel but they wouldnt understand, when you have no one other than the abuser, i had a kind of sypmpathy for him but for what others did i have contempt. I have never abused and have no such feelings so an abused doesnt become an abuser either in every case.

  18. @ ishi: I am saddened to know I wasn't the only one going through abuse, both inside and outside of the house. I am even sadder to know your husband has been adding more insult to injury!

    I am with you with all my heart and extend my friendship if you ever need to get things off your chest. You are safe from any abuse here. :) Hugs

    P.S. Thank you for shedding the light on an important aspect of abuse. It's true that not all abuse victims grow up to become abusers, too. Well said, ma'am!

  19. Hello everyone.

    I do not make light of the subject matter, however, I cannot help but feel like we are all the BREAKFAST CLUB of molestation!

    This happens far more than people are willing to discuss and people are not willing to see the fear in there children when they leave them with Uncle (whoever) or that friend of the family.

    I too, like so many of you were molested my my cousin & a friend of the family. I mentioned this in an earlier blog that GAG posted. My situation so to very different from your TICKLEBEAR: was horrible. But I had only come to realize that horror of it as an adult.

    As I child, I was an only child more many many years. Both my parents worked and I as often left with one of two cousins or the friend of the family. I was molested by three different people doing similar things. As a child I didn't know that it was wrong. I assumed that this was a part of being a male. And what made it worst was I was DESPERATELY seeking love from anyone who would give it to me and mistook the molestation as affection.

    I was not hurt physically by the molestation. It wasn't until my teens that I began to realize that what had happen to me and what was still happening to me was SO VERY WRONG!!! So, even tho, physically I wasn't hurt, MENTALLY & EMOTIONALLY I was devastated! It took years for me to gain some sense of what it was like to be normal... to be able to engage my partner without thinking that what we were doing was wrong or even the idea that he really didn't love me and was only there to F@%K-ME and move on the the next person.

    But time does heal and when you talk about the feeling you are having and you come to terms with the events that had taken place, you can overcome them. You can regain control over your life and how you see things. I do my best not to live in the shadows of my past, but never forgetting that my past also help mold the individual that I am today.

    Love to you all...


  20. GAG,

    On a side note. Thank you for your comments regarding your last post. Yes... I would call it a true guilty pleasure, which is the title of my next blog. I will try not to go into great details, but I want to wrap up the feelings I had during my molestation in a short piece and later talk about what happen when I confronted my cousin as an adult.

    Thank you, I appreciate you more than you know my friend.


    الحب يا صديقي

  21. Could it be the generation? It's sad, but for us who are over 40ish years old, our parents were brought up without "obvious" love. My parents stayed married for 55 years and raised 6 children but not a one of us ever heard the words "I love you." I looked for "love" for years in all the wrong places and still I'm not certain I understand what the words mean.
    We love "you" and others in your situation for sharing your story with us. It's gutsy to say the least. You are an inspiring human being and I agree with the comment above, you should consider writing a book. Just writing can help heal the wounds you still hide from.
    I wish you the courage to continue to "vent" your feelings, but most of all, I wish you peace.

  22. @ Tony: Thank you on behalf of everybody who's been in a situation similar to ours. It does leave certain traces of trauma that can only be erased with abundant love and care.

    Abuse is wrong and should be condemned but, at the end of the day, it might have made us who we are today: caring, empathetic, humble and selfless individuals.

    I want to love the good person I am, whom I have neglected for long enough. So, I am slowly, but surely, forgiving my abusers. Domestic violence will be tougher to let go of, but I hope I'll get there one day.

  23. @ Carol: It could very well be the generation, indeed. Our parents were born amidst war time, and so were their own parents. So, parental love must have got lost somewhere before it got to us. Oh wait, it never got to us! Like I always say, I feel like a rootless tree, miraculously still standing.

    Thank you so much for the kind sentiments and the words of encouragement! If some dreams do come true, then I'll be writing to heal the world, in a not-so-distant future. :)

  24. @ Tony: You really should share your experience with the world, my brother. You never know who will stumble upon and heal thanks to it. I, for one, am always interested in how others lived sexual abuse. I look forward to reading what you're coming up with. Thank you for gracing my blog by your presence and insight. Big hugs!

  25. Intense and brutally honest post. Sometimes I wonder if our blogs become our therapist, with advice and comfort from faceless, but yet close friends.

    I thank you for commenting on my blog, it gave me the chance to now know where you are. Also thank you for the very real and uncensored post. One of the few real articles I have read on a blog in a long time.

  26. Wilmy.....and to ALL the other souls who have commented on this post and the last post, I dropped by on Thursday ( I realize this is Saturday, it took me this long to recover) morning to check for a new post. What I got was something that hit me in the gut and wrenched at my heart. As I read each line I was again 5 years old and reliving the beatings and rantings of a drunken father and as I read more I was 7 and ......I am sooo ashamed of THAT I can't even bring myself to type it. I can't even get through this comment without tears spilling over. My heart breaks for all of you, Wilmy, the commentators and the innocents who are going through similar ordeals as I speak. I only wish I could speak to my siblings about all of this but it is just too painful for everyone involved. :(:(

    Wilmy, I agree with some of your SHOULD write a book.


  27. @ ManOverBoard: This blog is my therapist's sofa, indeed, on which I am building the family I never had - my non-judgmental chosen family. :-)

    Your blog is commendable for opening a channel of dialogue between the two sexes. Here's hoping a larger spectrum of sexual identity will be covered in the future since, gay or not, a man is still a man, a woman still a woman.

    Thank you for the visit and the compliment!

  28. @ Angelo: My beloved brother, that this post would reopen wounds we did our best to somehow stitch was expected. I don't know if I should apologize or pat myself on the back for plunging us all back into the past. I just felt it was time to let go of some of the abuse, at least the sexual part of it. It's unfair something in the face of which we were powerless keeps consuming us until today.

    We need to forgive: ourselves, our mentally-ill abusers and the years we spent missing out on life and its beautiful opportunities because of the scars. Forgiving our families may prove more difficult for their share of the abuse we were victims of, but there will be no moving forward without making the present the gravestone of our past.

    I write for me, for you, and for all those whose souls have been stained by violence and indifference. Let's all come together to help one another heal, or else why are we on this earth at all?

    All my love.

  29. I know first hand what this type of abuse can do to a man. My husband was molested by his father for years. It has affected every aspect of his life - self esteem, trust, self worth. This man just spent 5 years in jail for molesting one of his other kids - he has 10 - even though the abuse is not painful in the physical sense whoever does that to a kids is changing that kid forever.

  30. I love the way you describe this, It help others of simillar experiences fell they are not alone. and be sure you are not the only one who experienced such things. In a way or another I did have some really bad experiences, specially with 2 stupid familly babysitters (one of them male) still blame the parents but never told'em so. I resisted the people who tried to hurt me, resisted the family and all the propaganda they made about things (although none of them would look at the past because they cant face their mistakes). Thank you for so much for sharing. Think the future is better.

  31. When an adult or even a person of a said 'legal age' takes advantage of an innocent is abuse in its own sense.
    Whether you felt violated or was still wrong of them.
    The pedophile truly believes that they are in some strange fashion delivering kindness and a caring gesture to their victims. Some are driven by the need to just have 2 seconds to carry through their gestures of love. This is wrong also.
    Other pedophiles are driven by the need to own and adsorb the innocence...they too are wrong.

    In your compare 2 separate forms of abuse and choose the least horrific one. It is still abuse.

    It did however make you aware of the affections that you did not experience from your family...but it was still wrong.
    Do not ever feel it was right. They new you were innocent and they knew you would confuse their so called positive touches and gropes. You were an was wrong.
    Your own need for affection has almost gratified and/or condoned what was done to you...realize...what they did was very wrong.

    I have dealt with many victims of abuse and experienced my own nightmares. In saying that I will repeat myself....they were.. what is known as the 'silent abusers'. No penetration, no physical markings...but the emotional scars are there. You would not be sharing this story with us if you did not have some sort of unanswered or undealt with confusion from your past life.

    Please do not...ever...underestimate or credit an abuser. They are cunning, they are quiet and they are almost always successful in that people will choose to not face the reality of what they do~

  32. Wilmy~

    You have merely used this blog of yours to sort out your own feelings and to help you mend by putting it all down in words. In the process you have opened up old wounds of mine and others, to me it helps to never forget. I have long forgiven but I will never forget because it is one of the many events in my life that keep me grounded. Thank you my briend for being who you are and not making any excuses for it :)

    HH :)


  33. @ Sheila: It's truly sad this father thinks incest is normal, which highlights how mentally-disturbed such fathers are. I can't even imagine the atrocity of incestuous molestation and that's why I say my own story pales in comparison. Thank you for sharing your husband's story with us.

  34. @ Simon: Stressing the cowardly indifference of certain parents/families regarding their own child's complaining about molestation is crucial here. And this is one major point dealt with in my post.

    When you weigh the gravity of molestation on one side of the scale and family indifference on the other, you realize the latter is more worrisome. Molesters can be jailed and kids can be helped psychologically, but silent families are too silent a threat that helps the perpetuation of sexual abuse.

    If our mothers hugged and told us it will be all right, and chose not to spread the word about our ordeal to everybody willing and unwilling to listen, maybe we would hold no grudges now. Alas ...

    Thanks, Simon!

  35. @ Dorothy: I agree that both forms of abuse are vile. My experience with one proved more traumatic than the other, that's all.

    I am not a sexual abuse apologist, and nobody in his right mind would ever be, but my experience with molestation did not leave scars as deep as the ones caused by domestic violence. This, by no means, makes me credit an abuser.

    How do you call it when a child is shaken by sexual abuse, tells his mom all about it, she promises it won't happen again, then the child finds himself with his molester alone, for the night?

  36. @ Angelo: My intention was not to cause harm to abuse victims by telling my story. Maybe I felt a sudden rush of forgiveness and started slathering it all over my past traumas. All I know is that I feel ready to make peace with my own experience with molestation - not forget, but forgive. You, better than anybody else, know it wasn't THAT horrible compared to the constant beatings and humiliation my mom put me through.

    Thank you for being in my life, my briend. Big hugs

  37. I just read your review of my blog. Thank you for the kind words.

    I had to read this again though to be sure that I was reading between the lines. I think the shock of a few of your words pushed me through the article too fast to really get it. But now it is obvious.

    I cannot imagine going through the kind of trauma that you have in your life. For the most part, the troubles I have had were my own. Some driven by a disease which controlled many of my actions, but really, it was me doing harm to myself. Isn't it amazing how resilient human beings are? We're both still here.

    I'm looking forward to reading back on what you have written since the start of this blog and to read what you have to say in the future!

  38. @ Story: I understand certain points in the post may be ambiguous; that's why comments come in handy to clarify things. :)

    We are pretty much like roaches and Cher: resilient. Heh! Humor does help keep one going and so are loyal friends. I depend on both.

    So, hopefully you'll be a friend of this blog and the interesting people who are part of it. :)

  39. Haha, I think I'm more like a roach really.

  40. @ Story: Nobody is like Cher, duh! Haha. What makes you more like a roach, though? Do Tell. :)

  41. I wish I had a more interesting answer, but it is simply that I am nothing like Cher :-).

    Although... back in my phone sex days, I did put on costumes and make up (false eyelashes and all)... so Cher and I have a few things in common. I am quick and sneaky and run in a pack. So yeah, more like a roach, that's me.

  42. @ Story: Sneaky and with a phone sex experience? Sweeeeeet! You sound like my type of gal! Haha

  43. More of a lifestyle than experience - My only source of income for 7 years. I did it from home so it was pretty consuming.

    Do you twitter? I've only ever seen @so and so on twitter.

  44. @ Story: It makes for titillating stories to tell, I am sure. You'll have to tell me about some of your favorite anecdotes related to that job. :)

    I used to use Twitter, but then too many people whose blurbs I stopped caring for started to get on my nerves, so I deleted my account.

    Need a short nap now and will come bug you on your own blog, a little later. I hope I'll be allowed to overstay my welcome. :D

  45. I cancelled my Facebook account for the same reason.

    Enjoy your nap!! Glad you're leaving me as I am supposed to be working right now.

    See you on my blog later :-)

  46. @ Story: I stopped using Facebook because of an unwanted stalker, but unnecessary blurb has a limit it shouldn't cross, indeed.

    Girlfriend, you should never talk to me when you have work to do. I am just like an Arab soap opera: a distraction that only unplugging the TV set can stop. :)

    With puffy eyes, I am heading to invade your blog. :)

  47. I'm sure all has been said in the comments, but I'm still going to add my two cents..

    I think the way you write about this, think about it, says a lot. The impression I get is that you defend the guys because they never physically harmed you, in fact; they gave you the attention and affection you desperately craved. This alone makes them predators.. seeing the weakest and setting out to get their will done, by simply giving a smile and kind words in return.

    You quickly learnt that by giving your body to someone to use, you could receive love in return. The attention and respect you should have received simply for being a human being suddenly came with strings attached.. and that was a price you were willing to pay.

    I'm glad you don't feel hurt or abused - too many never recover from something like this. I just hope the feeling that you have to give someone what they want in the bedroom for them to want to give you the time of day, is something that disappeared when you grew up.. A lot of people struggle with that their whole lives and it's up to the rest of us to tell them they deserve better. Much better :)

  48. @ apples: Your comment made me realize I should have linked to the previous one, which gave background info about why I view my experience with sexual touching as less traumatic than my experience with domestic violence ever was.

    I am not defending my abusers, nor did I resort to them whenever I felt a need for affection. They were the ones who always initiated things. It's also important to mention, at this point, that I didn't juggle many molesters at once.

    As for giving my body to get affection, I never resorted to that. I did feel tempted at times, but never followed through. Proof is I have been single for the past 12 years. Yup, 12 whole, long, enduring years. heh. But I appreciate your concern and your visit. Thank you :)

  49. @ Wilmaryad...
    What you call that is a parent in denial. It is easier to pretend or avoid...aka-denial...anything that one cannot handle or deal with is ignored.

    When this happens in a family where abuse occurs and believe me it happens more than anyone would ever becomes a dirty secret. It also manipulates through confusion a child's mind of what is real and maybe a bad dream because how can 'mommy' be wrong. The trust issues that are created with this duel abuse are even harder for the victim to identify and cope with later in life. Hence the cycle of abuse continues and/or an inability to be a good parent or have a successful relationship.
    Your abuse was received in two directions maybe even three.
    The lack of trust.. and affection from your parents...the wrongful physical touches to you at a very innocent and unknowing age...and the trauma of the abuse itself which you are still working to overcome.

    One thing about memories...they are always there...but you can change how you allow them affect you today~

  50. @ Dorothy: You are right. Mom can't bring herself to admit, not even to herself, that she's been neglectful. she didn't even keep the dirty secret so secret, making part of it to my half-brothers.

    The mockery I got from those two was cruel; every time I condemned any unjust act of theirs towards me, they'd advise me to go see what so-and-so did to me. It crashed me!

    Today, I am trusting but cautious. Not because of what happened to me, but because I know my rushes of selflessness could get me in big trouble. No clue why I was sent down here but there must be a logical reason.

    Thank you clarifying certain concepts, Dorothy.

  51. horrible that, that was your source of attention, regardless of whether or not you "liked" it. a child (im assuming you are younger than 16 at the time) should be riding bikes, having fun.. not sexual fun. because i am not sure, if a child's brain can properly respond to such an event, but.. i am defiantly subscribed after this.

  52. @ m@em: These things started happening before I began going to school. I never knew what having fun meant since I was always chastised for the slightest manifestation of my childhood.

    I was almost always kept at home in the company of an angry and distant mother, whose attention I got only when she would punish me for being "in the way" or for silently crying over my loneliness and lack of parental affection.

    How does a loveless child's brain respond to precocious sex? It registers as "when the wrong ones love you right."

  53. Looks like you've released a shotstorm with this one.
    One's first sexual experience tends to set the preference pattern for further encounters. The first cut is the deepest and the repeating record needle tends to follow the deepest groove.
    This asymmetrical behaviour is propagated through time by hypnotic repetition as molested kids grow up to reiterate their experiences on the bodies of a new generation. Few children subjected to the random sexuality of self obsessed strangers ever have the guts to describe how deeply they've been affected - fewer still make the (gladly not guilt-filled) confession you've been clear and integrated enough to espouse.
    As I consider all religion to be a region with a lie in it I hesitate to add (normally) gentle Jeheshua's pronouncement on the subject; he refers to millstones tied around necks and perpetrators dumped in abyssal waters. This view is shared by many, as perpetrators often prove to be incessant recidivists - but they are, after all, victimised children still trying to escape.
    And on the other hand, many pubescent kids truly enjoy the attention and revel in exploring their sensuality/sexuality. It's a fine line that probably can't be properly demarked by legislation, but always is nonetheless.
    Healthy societies let kids decide when they're ready; left to their own devices until THEY make their wishes known - and always AFTER puberty.

  54. @ The Prince of Centraxis: My story is a little different from the typical child molestation case. To feel sorry for myself would be exaggerated; to feel relieved it wasn't that bad would be heartless. Therefore, that my story stuns or shocks is understandable and was expected.

    Luckily, not all sexual abuse victims "pass on the act onto the next generation". I cannot understand what's tempting about transgressing a child's body, mind or future.

    As for punishing recidivists, France had opted for castration of the culprit, but laws have been passed to leave the pedophile the choice of being rid of his sexual urges or keep them. As you'd expect, many molesters chose to remain sexually potent.

  55. alright!!
    by the look of things,
    you've triggered something here...
    all i can say is,
    i'll step out of the shadows
    when he lays in his grave,
    which will not be soon enough...
    (you know the circumstances...)
    on a sidenote,
    when's your B-day???
    you can email it to me.

  56. @ Ticklebear: It is a controversial topic. So, it does provoke mixed reactions. But I am glad all those I've had were messages of support and hope.

    I am aware your experience was more delicate and scarring. Don't you think it'd be a waste of a lifetime if the victim waited for the victimzer to die before stepping out of the shadows?

    Okie dokie. :)

  57. wow this is an interesting post!you were honest and very truthful about this.

    i love your blog.thanks for posting...

  58. @ Mac Callister: Thank you and welcome. Your "Living the Expectations" blog sounds very interesting. I will pay you a visit every now and then. :-)

  59. Hi Fellow African!
    I jumped into the deep end; my first read on your blog and I landed on such an itense heartbreaking post. No physically hurt but the intense psychological hurt... the perplexed feelings that a child has to deal with. Heartbreaking.

  60. @ WhiteSockGirl: It's all right, fellow African. We grow up and learn not to hate. Glad to see you around here. It's been a while. :)

  61. I understand you better and respect you more Mark

  62. Thank you, Mark. Feels good to be understood.

  63. The comments on this blog are overwhelming. The emotions the pain, the anger. Sexual abuse occurs all over the world, and in every culture. It's amazing how dark men's hearts are, and at how the evolution of our species have still not answered the really difficult questions of human sexual behavior and conduct.

    We need people like you to write books and tell your story to world.

  64. Mollest by someone who close with us ,especially relative is worst .

    Hope and make sure , this not happen to anyone again

  65. Of course you "liked it" by comparison of any empty-hearted mother. Children need affection and love, it's not an option. You liked being given attention and it felt like love to you.

    It means you preferred being molested as opposed to not getting any love. But if you had the choice to have truly been loved and cared for would you have desired the molestation in the first place?

    That's the real question.

  66. @ T. McAlpine: Since it is quasi-impossible to cure pedophilia (even with lawful talks of castration and unless the pedophile chooses to stop on his own), we must prepare our kids, today, for the possibility of molestation and how to try to prevent it. Parents and society play a crucial role in repairing the damage, not through the irresponsible exercise of blind permissiveness, but rather through avoidance of brutalizing the abused child.

  67. @ winter gurl: Incest is the worst form of molestation in existence, indeed. I bow in admiration to incest survivors.

  68. @ Penney Knightly: You've touched upon the question!

    Given the choice between parental affection and molester attention, I'd choose parental affection. Aunts can be affectionate with a child, but his mother's care is what he always yearns for.

    I, for one, seem to have been punished, by my mother, for asking for her affection and time. It seems it was too much to handle for her, so I didn't fight off molesters, in the absence of my mom and her supposed innate motherly instinct.

  69. I dont know and im not sure if i told my case to my parents I really cannot remember that. but as a child at 5years of age I did have the same experience as you.. I am not angry or hold any grudges with those males who made me do things i enjoyed it really.. I dont know why but I think it would be best not to tell my mom

  70. I was in a similar situation.. Except that he abused me when I was 2-6 years old and he was a teenager. It's actually my uncle that did it and just like you, he never physically hurt me. He called the game horsey.. He would tell me to close my eyes and touch him. Then he would make me take off my pants and he told me not to peek. I didn't know that horsey was bad, I was so young. But in a twisted way I liked it. I don't understand? :(

  71. @ dylzie: I, personally, decided to make part to mom of my experience with child abuse when she started picking on me for things that are obviously related to being molested as a child. So, if keeping such a secret doesn't bother you, it's wise not to tell and alarm your parents, indeed.

  72. @ Stefanie: A child needs to be touched, caressed and rocked regardless of the intention of the agent of the action. So, even this veers towards sexual touching, and occurs without violence, the child will still enjoy it. I, for one, have always been extra sensitive to the touch, so being touched felt nauseatingly good. I just wish my mom were the source of that affection. You're not alone, Stefanie!

  73. I am so sorry to hear that. Did intercourse, actually, happen?

  74. oh my god..that was ..the most ..i cant explain things straight..i was used to be in that position. my cousin did something to was disgustful..i'm sure as well that mom and dad would claim that i never told them about it too..

  75. Sorry to hear what you cousin did. Was he your age? And did you, actually, tell your parents?

  76. I know how you feel! I was "raped" as a child from 2-7, by someone over 18. I loved it! I kept asking for more, and more, and more! I wasn't in an unloving environment though...Anyway, when my mother found out... we moved quite a ways away. And to this day, I fantasize about it. BTW, I'm still under 18.

  77. I am sorry to hear that.  Was your mother affectionate when you were 2-7 years old? 

  78. Please don't judge me.

    I was 'molested when i was about 8/9 year old by 12/13 year olds who lived on my street. We would 'play' in a pop up tent in the back garden. They used to touch my penis while masturbating (It didn't go further than that) and i loved it. I asked for more until they both stopped for some reason. When I was about 14/15 I was sleeping in the same room as my step brother and i honestly don't know how but innocent playing escalated into me manipulating him to touch my penis. Things have escalated since then and i have made him touch me until I orgasm on multiple occasions, i have made him perform oral a few times, and i very briefly penetrated him (for about 5 seconds but i stopped because i knew that was COMPLETELY wrong)

    It makes me sick to think that i get pleasure from these things and i am so sorry that i have done them to him. I have stopped it now and apologised to him but I am worried that he will tell someone and my life will be ruined. God knows i deserve it. I was never aggressive with him, and I never made him do something he didn't seem to enjoy (I think he really enjoys it because he keeps trying to touch my penis even though ive told him to stop). I don't know weather i have caused irreparable damage to him and i am sure that i will not do anything like that to him, or anyone else, ever again. But whats done is done and i feel ashamed. I'm woundering if it all stemmed from what happened when i was younger and if anyone has ever been in my position.

    Am i a paedophile? I don't think I am because I don't get aroused or fantasise about children, I constantly fantasise about men. My sexual experience with this boy (apart from the molestation) was my first at the time and I think it was the fact that SOMEONE else was touching my penis that got me exited. Not because it was a child.e. This is the first time I've told anyone and i am asking people to try and understand me and reply. I know i'm sick but please i need help.

  79. Thank you for trusting us with your secret, Sia.

    Rest assured that you're neither sick or a pedophile.  What you did is, indeed, the result of what you had done to you as a child. Children are thrill-seekers and anything that triggers feel-good emotions, they will ask more of (candy, toons, and even touch, to cite a few examples). Plus, when sex play occurs between people of the same age (or with little age difference), it's not molestation; it is exploration of the self and the other.

    I noticed that the nature of touch a child is exposed to influences his adult sexual behavior.  If he had been raped or force had been used against him during his first (few) sexual act(s), he's likely to want that same pattern later. And vice versa. Your insistence that what you did to your step brother included no aggressiveness proves that lack of it in your early introduction to sex rubbed off onto your later sex life.

    Now, the situation with the step brother is a bit awkward.  I, personally, find it weird to talk to my half brothers now, when we had fooled around with eachother as kids.  What kills me is how homophobic they are (overtly expressing it ever since they've heard of my penchant for guys); yet, they forget that they are maligning the one whom they used to seek sexual favors from as children. The unease is unavoidable when you try to talk to them now as if nothing happened back then.  And they play along masterfully.

    So, for your step brother to keep asking for it is only natural.  You're the safest person he wants his adolescent intimacy from.  You may have been his first experience ever, and it must have felt so good that he longs for its memory.  Maybe the best thing to do is clearly talk it out and draw a line to avoid uncomfortable situations or angry accusations.  Prevention will always be better than cure.

    Thank you again for confiding in us. I relate to and understand you.

  80. Thank you for replying.

    Although it may be akward but I will talk to my stepbrother further about it and make completely clear that I shoudlnt of done what i did and that im sorry, I can only hope that he is okay later in life. 

  81. Sia, talk it out is what I wish my own brothers accepted to do so that I move on completely.  I am still stuck in my childhood trying to repair it.

    Has your step brother turned gay, too?

  82. I'm sorry I didn't realise his age was ambiguous.

    He is only 9, which makes this a whole lot worse.

  83. Sia, I don't think what you did to your step brother stems from what you had endured in childhood.  I believe it's more lack of self-restraint.

    Think about it.  When it happened to you, those kids were approximately your age.  But your step bro is WAY younger than you are.  Many will disagree with me, but if he were not born gay, you've laid ground for him to become so (if no become bi).

    How is he generally?  A happy kid?  All smiles but with sad eyes?

  84. I understand if there is no posotive response to this. I need negative response i need somebody to tell me what ive done was wrong.

  85. Yes he is a very happy child in all aspects

  86. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

  87. I'm 17 now, stopped it when i was 16

  88. Sia, the fact that you feel and express remorse is a good start.  

    The penis touching, he may never hold against you.  But oral and anal will be tattooed on his brain forever.  Kids have a good memory.

    So, you and he don't share the same biological parents, right?

  89. Yes i supose your right, theres nothing I can do now but explain to him none of it was his fault and that he is normal. 

    No we arn't related.

    Its not like im attracted to kids, its just that with him i knew i could get sexual favours, I think i used him to explore my own sexuality which is sick.

  90. You have two choices:  tell the parents or let the secret fester.
    If you prefer to keep the secret, be prepared to:See your step brother become precociously promiscuous.Make you take all the blame for it.
    Be blackmailed into having sex or he'll out you. 
    Have an explanation once he tells the parents.
    Live with torment if nobody hears about it.

    If you choose to tell the parents, make sure you:

    Confess your own child molestation to the parents.
    Accept that recidivism (doing what we endured to others) happens.
    Seek help from a counselor (anonymity is possible). Accept your brother's later anger with you.Promise to redeem yourself by never doing it again.Ask for forgiveness from your brother (one-on-one when he's old enough to genuinely give you forgiveness or deny it to you).

  91. Thank you so much for the advice and it is so good to talk to someone about this,

    telling the parents is simply not an option. But I am going to have to live with it for the rest of my life, and live in constant fear of him telling. 

  92. Sia.  Try to speak anonymously to a counselor.  A counselor is more apt to give you an effective way to repair any damage you may have caused.  This happens to the best among us, so don't beat yourself up.  Granted, you faulted, but who doesn't when submerged by hormones?   Your mistake is 50% alleviated because you were brave enough to express regret.  The remaining 50% of the solution lies in the hands of a psychotherapist specialized in molestation/incest scenarios.  I am sure there could be a toll-free number to call without divulging your identity.  Please consider this and keep me posted.

    Thank you for your honesty.

  93. Thank you!

    I will do this and will defiantly let you know later on. Thank you. 

  94. I found this doing some research because I thought I was the only who actually had "enjoyed or kinda like" sexual abuse.. I didn't know it was sexual abuse until some years ago that I began with a lot of psychological problems which have as a potential cause sexual abuse. So I started thinking about and remembered what happened to me. In my case it was the same as Stephanie's... the "horsey". The son of a man that worked in my place used to tell me to take off my pants/dress or whatever I was wearing and he would touched me. I guess I'm kinda disturbed but I found pleasure in it. Then would go and look for him so he would touch me again. Other times he would tell me to close my eyes and he would sit me on his lap and do the horsey game. I remembered seing his underwear but I was so naive to even think that he was fucking me!! I AM SO ANGRY ABOUT IT AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING!!! I feel frustated, someone help me.