5 Kissing Styles Philematologists Hate!

Hi. My name is Wilmaryad and I am an ex-Philematologist.

Philematology is the science studying kissing's hormonal effects, i.e. levels of chemicals released during lip-lock, namely Cortisol and Oxytocin.

Cortisol alleviates stress. Oxytocin builds bonding, reduces fear and provokes sexual arousal. And kissing releases lots of these hormones!

Beyond spit swap, kissing is biological info exchange. It helps men tell a woman's fertility (blue tongue?) and women determine if there's chemistry.

No chemistry means women will pout ... with both lips.

A Kiss is the ultimate proof of attraction and may tip your judgment's balance if you're not attracted. Notice how prostitutes / escorts are instructed to abstain from kissing a client lest the girl develops feelings for him.

A kiss is an ice-breaking deal breaker, or else, why do (good) kisses melt us?

A first kiss is crucial in setting the tone of the love dance. Just like your dance moves preview your lovemaking acumen, your kiss speaks volumes about your personality and social behavior. And who wants to come across as a loser?

Sometimes, you fail to make a good first impression on a first date. How well you kiss is your only chance at persuading your date to have dinner with you again.

If your personality and kissing skills suck, you won't survive "Grammar Mode".

Grammar Mode is the phase ensuing a date, when the "taste" you left in your date's mouth is attributed adjectives: gooey, dry, non-committal, rigid, all over the place, etc. And how you kiss is often a factor in the deliberation process.

Now, I don't kiss'n'tell but wanted to cue in kissing-virgin blogami, CTMontreal.

To describe what good kissing isn't, here are 5 bad kissing styles.

5. Stitched Lips. This kisser's lips never unzip. Hiding a frog? Afraid your razor tongue hurts me? Unless your mouth is a stinky laundry basket, open sesame!

4. Toothpick. Ever seen a lizard's tongue whip an insect? That's bad kisser #2. With him, you shouldn't worry if something's stuck in your teeth. His tongue will offer thorough flossing and tartar removal. Perfect after dinner, eh?

3. Car Wash. Forget Neutrogena face wash products! This kisser's mouth opens so wide, his lips and saliva cover your nose, mustache and chin. Napkin!

2. Sterilized Tongue. Breath fresheners smell good but taste horrible! This kisser means well but I refuse to kiss an anesthetic jar. Vicodin much?

1. The Kissophobe. He is the finest kisser in the world and hates it! Likely to make you swoon, then suddenly stops to say "Look baby! I love ya and all, but I can't. Kissing just grosses me out ... but it's not you, all right?" True story.

Despite kissing a few frogs, I admit having kissed more princes.

My personal record? 7 hours non-stop.

What's yours?

About the author:
Wilmaryad is a former philematologist. His last kiss dates back to 1999.

Video: Tarkan - Kiss Kiss | Photo by: Mervyn Dublin

If God Hates Fags and Fags Hate God, Do Fags Hate Fags and Does God Hate Himself?

We condemn what we secretly long for but fear to publicly do. ~ Wilmaryad O'Scallas

This quote applies to many gay bashers except to GodHatesFags' creator.

God Hates Fags is an homophobic movement created by Fred Phelps, Topeka, Kansas's Westboro Baptist Church's pastor, and Saddam Hussein sympathizer.

Need I say more?

Now that the infamous website has been hacked, I ask: if God hates fags and fags hate God, do fags hate fags and does God hate himself?

I'll answer each question from partisan and opponent perspectives.


God Hates Fags?

I doubt God hates.

He has unleashed His wrath upon man's disobedience, but He's never hated him. In Islam, for example, God has 99 names. "The Hateful" is not one of them.

Thus, "Frown upon" seems a more appropriate verb.

Now, why would God frown upon fags?

Susan-Boyle Singles Selling Out?

© Liverpool Post

There is single.

Arabica. Saccharin. Sex-after-dinner single.

And there's Susan Boyle single.

Decaf. Sugar-free. Never-been-kissed single.

While dating styles vary, in an instant gratification age, Susan-Boyle singles are going extinct. This is equally visible in the gay community.

And lack of opportunity is not to blame.

So, with another Valentine's Day gone by, one can't help wondering:

Are SuBo singles selling out?

Love a Dick for His Dick?

He's a player.

He's dumb, insensitive and superficial.

He'd jump a paraplegic if a paraplegic moved.

He makes you wanna chew bricks.

In other words ...

He's a certified, state-licensed, practicing dick!

Yet, he has a precious gift. A gift reminiscent of lollipops. A gift so lethal to your oral fixation. A gift he can and will get away with everything thanks to. A gift of which he's aware and never reluctant to share.

His dick — His schlong — His second head — His third leg — His Harry Potter wand — His jello parlor — His milk fountain — Your damnation.

You may blush reading this. But let's face it: who doesn't love dick?

For dick-loving Ballsackians and Ovarians, dick is better than cookies and ice cream. It's a science we study hard. An emotion we crave feeling within.

Dick is the pop sickle that cools you off on Nigerian summer noons. The hot chocolate marshmallow cup that warms you up on Alaskan winter nights.

It's the chew toy that soothes when you're teething. Aww!

No dentist will rebuke you for indulging in dick, as dick is the only cavity-fighting candy stick. And thanks to pubic hair, dick gives you free dental floss.

Say Ahh. Wow, what healthy gums!

No cardiologist will ask you to go slow on heart-invigorating dick, either.

But expect doc to warn about cholesterol levels if you fancy uncut dick. That fat roll of a foreskin is a cheesecake factory! Lemonade swish after is good.

Dick virtues aside, is it virtuous to love a dick for his source of virtue?

I, once, read people who like beautiful genitals have had a shaky upbringing. You bet I've had a shaky upbringing, if any at all. And I'm glad I didn't!

I heard a guy say "Dick will make you slap a bitch!" I, today, relate.

Now, why don't dicks take cues from their dicks and win us over?

Dicks, I'll formally address you in the hopes of getting you to imitate the superb qualities of the 8-carat pendant hanging from the meeting of your thighs.

So, lend me your jewels ears.

Be happy to see us like your slinky wobblehead. Regularly check on us like your cuckoo clock. We'll even tolerate your seasickness aftermath, O thick seamen.

Why call a douche a dick when dick connotes with deliciousness?

Jerks with beautiful dicks, you're nothing without your tools. So, work on your personality! While we'll succumb to tasting your one-eyed monster, our succumbing will grow old. And our oral fixation will shift to finger fixation.

Ever heard of Bling Bang theory?

Ask a jeweler.

Now, who would want to marry a dick besides a pussy? Seriously.

Song: Inertia Creeps. By: Massive Attack.

About the author: Wilmaryad is a curator at a dick museum.
Share your phallus fascination with him on Twitter @GayArabGuy.

Blog Post Partum Depression

It's Gay Arab Guy's first blogversary!

To celebrate, I've had a Cuban, then I smoked a cigar. Ha!

Yet, I suffer from blog post partum depression ... and bad puns.

Teachers Sexually Abusing Children

Who likes school when it employs pedophiles?

I was 11 when I asked that question.

Some female classmates asked me to help decorate our classroom for year-end festivities. We were all giggles, thinking we had the school all to ourselves.

Wrong!

True Blood Sexiest Hunk is ...

Twilight fans.

Admit True Blood has got you beat!

HBO's better-than-the-Sopranos vampire series is the sexiest thing on TV.

Sexy plot and cast courtesy of Six Feet Under's mastermind, Alan Ball.

Today, you'll pick the sexiest True Blood hunk from 10 contenders.

So, honk a hunk loud'n'clear! (Photos enlarge when clicked)

G-Spot on a Man Stands for His Gut

Women, having a problem finding your G-spot?

Forget all theories about its elusive location and take a good look at your man.

He rubs his own everytime you give him a boner bone.

Since everything becomes obvious when a man gets happy (pants), his gut stands erect when you pleasure it. For once, it's you feeding him.

Ahem. Digressing.

The difference between men and women is that women's sexual organ is their brain. Tender foreplay and the woman turns your bedroom into an aquarium.

Men have two heads but no brains. So ... yeah.

A man rarely makes a woman climax. Fact! No, women aren't hard to please. Men are just more easily satisfiable. Steak + sex + a snorenade = bliss.

That applies to me, too. Except that, unlike my Chinese friends, I don't eat pussy and do snore during the romp in bed; hence why no man wants me. Ahem.

My own life has changed since I embraced how big my G-spot is.

Nobody needs to look for it as it rests on my lap when I'm seated. It's so big my face and feet don't touch the bed. It's handy as the pillow skips a shower by my dinner-flavored goo, and the bed avoids scratches by my velociraptor toenails.

Size queens, if you saw my G-spot, you'd gag!

Much like women's G-spot is believed to be shaped like a bean, so is my gut — only vertical. In the mirror, I see a slim figure, with most of the gut "out of frame".

Even without Redbull, my G-spot has wings!

I asked my cousin to open the door to her brother, she grabbed my love handle. She saw me shirtless, with my navel down to my pubis, she thought I was a girl.

Truth is: more muffins penetrate my esophagus than Eurostar trains enter tunnels. I so spoil my hairy G-spot with spicy treats that it is, in such heat, often drenched! Mom puts a bowl under me, and uses the gathered sweat as vinegar.

Some salads we have!

But, I'm considering reducing my G-spot. I intend to bring down my orgasms to a reasonable six a day: breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack.

I am, also, curious about physical activity, but with my sensitive G-spot ...

So, I am looking for an e-workout partner with the following criteria: athletic, green-eyed, nutrition savvy, patient, with a charming smile and single.

That's southern for "I'm unashamedly looking for an Apollo of a boyfriend".

You heard me.

Thanks for recommending applicants and helping me choose one!

Chanel = Feminist Maneater + Sugar Daddies?

Today is French fashion legend Coco Chanel's 127th birthday.

Few details of her early life can be accurately verified, as Mademoiselle reworked her story like she reworked her creations. In the absence of a family life, a child invents one. Chanel was no different. For once.

Her story wasn't the only thing Chanel had reworked. By wearing men and their clothing, Coco reworked feminism — that of a woman kept by wealthy men.

Here's how originality and sugar daddies caused her rise and fall.