March 27, 2010
Hairy Arab Man First Armpit Shave
Manscaping. Such a hassle for a hairy man.
Unless he is chaetophobic, has a beautician for a significant other, or must be clean-shaven at work, a man shaving daily is a mystery to me.
And I am only referring to facial hair.
Arab men trim/shave the "Bermuda Triangle" i.e. armpits and pubis, monthly, especially if they are married. But, chest/back/sack waxing?
I, for one, seldom invite razors to smooth over my tennis court of a face. My beard has grown on me over the years. Literally.
Being single is one more reason not to mow the lawn.
But, two days ago, shaving my armpits for the first time became a plan!
Background story: water pipes are being fixed in my neighborhood. That means we won't be having access to tap water for the next 2 weeks in such scorching heat. Having found no alcohol-free deodorant, shaving seemed the thing to do.
I chanced upon a hair removal cream tube of my mother's. No spatula accompanied the tube and there was no expiry date on, but I suspected the thing to be 3+ years old.
The cream looked like toothpaste and smelled like gutter water.
Despite the yucky smell and potential expired chemicals risk, I proceeded to slather the cream all over my armpits. The burn! I, then, sat arms arched like an eagle's wings, resisting the urge to rub my slightly burning eyes for fear of losing my eyelashes.
Ten minutes later, smarty pants thought mere water splashes would make the uprooted armpit hair slide down the drain. Big mistake! Unable to lay my hands on a spatula, I flipped the toothpaste tube and used its sharp base, which was too limp for the job.
Next alternative was a broken comb. A Missouri fridge magnet. The flip side of a razor.
To no avail.
The thought of having chemicals on longer than recommended made me panic. When I panic, common sense deserts me. So, I frantically scrapped with anything I found.
My armpits look like a cat sharpened its claws on them.
And that smell! Nobody told me I was to smell like the sewers for the next 48 hours! And I can't even spray deodorant or use soap?
Women, how d'ya do it? It's tough being a woman, I now realize.
Labels: Daddy Issues