A story of finding self-worth and triumph over hardships.
Based on the book of the same title, by Sapphire, the movie left me unmoved. Not for lack of domestic violence or incest scenes; abuse is just all too familiar.
I have been Precious.
Mary Jones is my mother. Unlike Mary, however, my mother didn't have her boyfriend desert her to rape and impregnate her daughter.
Mother is educated, independent and always had men at her feet. Granted, she did not take advantage of the opportunities life had sent her way, but she had virtually no reason to be physically and verbally abusive at home.
She had no right to turn me into Precious.
If my back could talk, it'd scream the pain of that whip, torn twice lashing it. My wrist would show you the big kitchen knife cutting it, that one night.
My sweet 16 remembers the pepper spray under the covers.
Much like Precious, I escaped into a dream world as soon as my body and soul were yet again being polluted. I created a world where I had a loving father, an affectionate mother and fun siblings.
That dream felt so real, I made part of its characters to my classmates. A fertile imagination came in handy for this boy when he found himself in those awkward moments when all his peers showed off their families.
The only break from physical abuse I used to get was when mom and I had company. Just like Mary Jones acted all kind and gentle with the social worker, mom changed masks in the presence of people.
The anger disappeared, the civility reemerged, the joie de vivre looked natural and the torture chamber temporarily closed down.
But I did receive the cold stares, kicks and pinches under the table, which elicited a broken smile by a soul silently sending out an S.O.S.
Much like Mary Jones blamed her daughter for her lack of love and affection, I believe mom holds a grudge against me because the men she wanted to marry must have had a problem with her having children.
Mom often confessed wanting to abort me. She had had two kids from a first marriage, but they were less problematic since they lived with their dad.
Her excuse for being violent? She did not know any better.
well... what can i say? i feel sorry that you have gone all these. but look at you now... i believe you've grown strong. and yes, educated. and that's something to be happy about, at least. it's not much of a consolation, i know. my heart breaks so bad for people who suffered and still suffering from abuse of any form.
ReplyDeletemy dear, i wish i can hug you right now. just to make you feel that you're not alone. :)
btw, thanks for sharing. :)
Oh yes, she succeeded... but i can't believe she didn't appreciate your inmense talents and intelligence.
ReplyDeleteam the guy who wrote u the "are u insane "mail. I have one question : how have u got this incredibly fine English?self-education or Algerian university? or u've been born and raised there?
ReplyDeleteThat is horrible. As a mother, it is beyond my understanding how anyone could treat a child like that.
ReplyDeleteYou are obviously quite intelligent and educated and have many talents, but more importantly, you are a feeling individual-one who cares and expresses himself with clarity and insight.
Wishing you peace, light, love and happiness.
i'll just say this, I love YOU and always will :*
ReplyDeleteWilmy...I guess I can NEVER understand a parent's resentment for a child they created! Especially if that child is conceived out of love between two people. I know that I can live in a dream-world sometimes but THAT to me is unthinkable.
ReplyDeleteI also think you hit the nail on the proverbial head when you say this about your mother resenting you because she was left alone to raise you and you interfered with her freedoms. How sad!!
As I have mentioned a few times, I so wish you could work on a goal of creating a new, peaceful, sane and happy environment for yourself! I know you have the skills, brains and creativeness to do just that my briend. You are slowly dying and she will ultimately end up winning by witnessing your joyless life along with hers. I am not sure about the traditions of household in your society but you need to break them and think outside the box Wilmy.....truly....and if I can help you in ANY way I possibly can...I am here for you my briend, I promise :)
@i_wander: I'm far from being strong. Empathetic, yes. Kindhearted, yes. Strong, not yet. Abuse, in whatever shape it comes, slows down growth. It's like you have to rebuild everything from scratch, which is likely to take a while if you attempt it alone.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kind words and the warm e-hug, sweetie.
@ J421D: She succeeded in destroying me, indeed. And she denies any responsibility in doing that. I guess I was dreaming ...
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous: Flagellation does improve language skills! Nah, kidding. I've always liked the language and learned much of it alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised you found my blog.
@ Rebecca: Mom is an adept of tough love, even at work. Deep down, I see how she silently regrets not having seen her own kids grow up, through her loving treatment of my little cousins.
ReplyDeleteThe adult part of me understands what can prompt a mother to act so; the child in me, however, still is shattered by the undeserved atrocity it's been exposed to.
Thank you for the insightful comment and kind wishes.
@ Im24WhatDoiKnow: Thank you, W. Sweet of you to say. The word 'love' just gave me rash, though. I trust you'll get the joke. :)
ReplyDelete@ Angelo: Nothing guarantees the said child was the fruit of love, my briend. If I weren't born, mom could have had the option of reconciling with her ex-husband and reuniting with her kids. They blame her until today for leaving them behind (while she didn't).
ReplyDeleteAs for interfering with mom's freedoms, I simply never did. I kept her secrets safe, excelled at impressing her boyfriends and never expressed displeasure with staying alone at home, for extended periods of time, while she was abroad.
Interestingly, mom is now aware I have sacrificed many opportunities to shine elsewhere just to watch over her. As of late, she's been encouraging me to go where my skills and mindset will be appreciated. I feel ready, too.
If you want to help me, just give yourself the tools to live the good life you so darn deserve to live! I'll worry less. :-)
@willy: oh my freakin' god haha I hope it ain't on the fun parts ;)
ReplyDeleteHi Mr. GAG! I am here not to say mean harsh words against your mom and her actions or lack of for that matter.. but to just send some warm hugs your way! Find something pretty to smile about today and keep ur chin up! :)
ReplyDelete@Wilmy....First, let me apologize for assuming that it was love that created such an amazing individual. Second, "I truly believe" I_wander is insightful in saying that you are strong. A weak person would have given up long ago. Each of us who travel through adversity collect strength of mind along the paths on which we travel.
ReplyDeleteI am glad to hear that you seem to be headed in a new direction my briend :) Just keep looking forward and stay focused on what you want to accomplish.
I am serious about helping you, even if it is something so simple as communicating :) As far as I am concerned, I have most of the tools I need and working to find the ones I do not have. My most powerful gift is a positive attitude my briend :) I wish I could bestow it on so many individuals I know who need it.
Quite frankly, I have a good life Wilmy :) There, of course, is always room for improvement but as a whole I wouldn't trade it and I feel blessed to acknowledge that.
So, do you have a plan for the near future of your life?
@ Im24WhatDoiKnow: Rash appears on my neck and hands, along with an outburst of allergies. :)
ReplyDelete@ Mariuca: Thank you for the warm hugs. I'll try to keep my double chin up. :)
ReplyDelete@ Angelo: A positive attitude helps, indeed. Until the guy you cared for leaves and hinders the development of many aspects of your life. Up until last August, I had goals and they seemed easy to reach.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to be done with grad school this year, because I have been procrastinating that for the past two. I, however, seem unable to get myself to take on any responsibility anymore. It feels awful to feel this powerless.
no surprise,just follow the "trail"..
ReplyDeleteas 4 ur mom,I'm shocked..I've always believed that what makes men gay is the absence of that "male" yang energy well u proved me wrong.I assure u that by ur 30's u'll stop writing because u'll b done by then and u'll get used to ur suuffering ,u'll accept everything going on in ur life..I've been there too..no more diaries,talking and writing just deepen grief.Good luck
@ Anonymous: Looks like I'm gonna prove you wrong a great deal, aren't I? ;-)
ReplyDeleteI doubt I'll be consumed by my past at 30. By then, I expect to have learned how to turn the trauma into a positive. If not, I'll have buried it to make my wildest dreams come true.
But enough about me, you seem to speak from experience. So, what trauma have you been through?
the trail of comments is getting really interesting!
ReplyDeletewilmy, dear... you're just saying you aren't strong because of what had happened to you after the break up. but trying to recover from that is somehow showing that you are also tough... 'cause if not, you wouldn't dare lift a finger to type any of these. i believe in you, just like how you believed in my works. you'll get "there", i bet. :)
~muah!~
@ i_wander: Only you acknowledge the link between the breakup and my current feeling of despair. Even I forgot how much it has negatively impacted on my ambition. But it's your support that makes me feel appreciated, and it means the world you say you believe in me. I needed to hear that :) Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHuGs!
bein' gay is The Trauma ,anything that comes then is just the consequences.what u've been through is almost what any Arab gay guy has been through...it's not one or two stories to tell ,it's ur whole life that's been ruined.
ReplyDeleteWilmy...just a reminder my briend, a positive attitude does not come automatically, it is but a daily fight along with affirmation. I am sure you have heard the phrase "that which does not kill us only makes us stronger." Although I am not suggesting in any way that you are not hurting (and rightfully so),it's painfully obvious, but I also feel this is making you stronger as we speak.
ReplyDeleteThe goals of last August have obviously changed but life is constantly evolving and goals evolve along with it. I am glad to hear you are realizing new goals for yourself at this juncture. Although you feel powerless to ignite these goals now, there will be something in you at some point that catches fire and before you know it your life will be a blazing fire as before :)
I have faith in you Wilmy! You will turn your negative energy back into a positive, usable energy. I am sure of that! ;)
What Wilmy needs is LOVE.There's no love in here,there's but lust that ends the moment one j**ks off and then there's repent from the filthy sin.What Wilmy needs is the power to shout out loud I'm who I am I want to live the way I like,leave me alone.What Wilmy needs is accepting himself first then acceptance by society and this is impossible.He needs inner peace,love,identity..that's why I said talking,writing is just a manner to express oneself then comes tiresom then silence
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous: Don't you think there's a sparkle of hope at the end of the tunnel and that it might not be a train?
ReplyDeleteI'm asking that purely because I am in a more optimistic mood this very moment ... maybe I'll switch back to pessimistic mode later, but sometimes I'd like to think things can get better.
You, better than anybody on here, knows what's it's like to be gay in our society, because you and I come from and live in the same one. How do you see things 5 to 10 years from now?
@ Angelo: I think what makes one stronger is the support one gets from loving people by whom one is lucky to be surrounded. To me, nothing means more than when loved ones show they care. It drags me out of the most fatalistic scenarios in existence.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being here. You know how much this and you mean to me! :) Hugs
@ Anonymous: Now we're talking! :)
ReplyDeleteYou know as much as I do how non-strings-attached-one-night-stands are misconstrued as dating where you and I live, right?
How do you deal with that? Do you date at all? And if so, and excuse my nosiness, do you date the old-fashioned way or go with the flow and end it with a quick romp in the sack?
may b I'm less sexual (not cos I don't want to but "u know"...). a man 4 me is confortable to stay with unlike women,thus I love cuddling,touching, staring in his eyes,in every ounce of his body even if theres no sex part(in my dreams of course).I don't date,I've never dated:my kind of man is very rare:a mature(up 2 50) man with a cute baby face.so even if there is 1 it's 99% straight ,or if he's gay,he acts the "matcho"to make it clear he's a "doer" not a "doee",lol. these r the men I've seen so far.generally I love in a "silent sef consuming mode".
ReplyDeletesorry I didn't get"do you date the old-fashioned way or go with the flow and end it with a quick romp in the sack?".
in 5/10years I'll b 39/44 with a faint health,totally gray hair,many extra pounds,chances to settle down zero,always single,thinking aloud,querelling with my demented self aloud too,alone cos everybody found out...that's why I don't love anymore thank god..u got worms out of my nose,heah ?
@ Anonymous: Much of what you said sounds familiar. I don't date, either. Not because I don't want to. But that's a different story.
ReplyDeleteWhy do you say people will find out you're gay in 5-10 years? Do you plan on doing the unthinkable and come out? :-)
what's the uses of comin out in here anyway:opening another pain door,that's defending ur penchant while other people r doin it silently and peacefully...u can't hide ur entire life ,ur manners,ur tastes,ur hobbies speak out of u, people can tell....why do I sent that u'r kabyle?because u'r good or what?
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous: I agree that coming out would be useless and fatal. I, personally, am not hiding. I have severed ties with anybody gay-unfriendly or too flamboyant. While I have nothing against the latter (except maybe for attracting unnecessary and unwise attention in a conservative society), I don't wanna smile through the constant gay-bashing of the former.
ReplyDeleteYou sense I may be Berber? Well, of course I am. Aren't Berbers the original inhabitants of all of North Africa after all? ;)
what do u mean by the old-fashioned way in ur prev. question
ReplyDeletehehehe..so definitely Kabyle cos only kabyles insist on that.
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous: Old-fashioned dating, to me, is the fun and sexless process of getting to know a person.
ReplyDeleteah ok
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous: I am, by no means, insisting that I am Berber. I just am. :-) But I'm a few other things as well, so I can't claim North Africa to be all mine. ;-)
ReplyDeleteWhats up GAG,
ReplyDeleteYou know, I watched the Oscars tonight and I was happy that Monique won for best supporting actress. I knew that Gabby wouldn't win, considering who she was up against.
Anyway, I saw the movie on opening day and it reminded me so much of what life was like in some black neighborhoods growing up! I felt the pain that she experienced and the power of those things crashing down upon her.
I do think that the movie was brutal and real... I have heard some people say that the movie was all a figment and none of that could possibly happen to anyone!
I almost got angry, but then I had to realize who the source was and remember that they're upper-upper middle-class and may not have had the same experiences!
The Precious scenario is all to real for many people that can relate. I too was molested by a cousin when I was very young. The worst part of it all... I enjoyed it! I enjoyed it, because he gave me attention. It was wrong of him, but at least I felt like someone care if I existed or not.
Its strange how the victim can love and hate their assaulter at the same time. Part of you know that its wrong and the other part doesn't care! I always thought it was my fault. I thought that I had done something wrong because no just does stuff to you with you wanted it to happen; at least that's what he assured me. He used my trust and naivete against me. So, GAG, I feel you! deeply!
-Tony.
Hello my sexy, sweet, and super-brilliant buddy O' Mine!
ReplyDeleteIt's me Matthew. I was just looking at your profile and loved the new photo of you looking down, open shirt, and you seem to be reflecting.... I like that intimate moment. So I wanted to quickly leave you a message, when I encountered this blog/post. ! Your writings always leave me literally and utterly emotionally stunned. I am overly busy at work, so I don't have time today to read all the comments. But I like this what Tony wrote:
"It’s strange how the victim can love and hate their assaulter at the same time. Part of you know that its wrong and the other part doesn't care! I always thought it was my fault. I thought that I had done something wrong because no just does stuff to you with you wanted it to happen; at least that's what he assured me. He used my trust and naiveté against me. So, GAG, I feel you! deeply!"
That is poignant !! There are many many of us who have endured this and much worse. I entered foster care @ 10 years old, and I still to this day can't openly write about what I endured and witnessed before I turned 10 !!! Foster care in the early 70's wasn't much better. The first shocking reality was that I instantly was living in a home with others who had similar stories and experiences to mine and yours. SHOCKING how wide-spread. I am white; from a middle-class family.......dysfunction has no distinction of race, gender, or social status. You also know I did social work for 20 years and have seen and heard thousands of more similar stories, the sad reality.
Be strong my friend, we can never change the past, nor forget it (trust me) and movies like this will always re-open deep deep wounds.
You must, for your emotional and mental health forge forward !!! I know you know as you are 1000 times more intelligent than I.
Big hug from me to you my handsome brilliant writer !!! Remember you are not allowed to critique my writing.... I am at work, typing as fast as I can, as not to be discovered bogging on company time. Not grammar, sentence structure, nor spelling !!!
All my love, I need to hold you tight for at least an hour, our souls will connect, and my powerful energy will diffuse much of what causes you pain. Trust me… not a veiled attempt to seduce, you. That you must realize as truth. Ciao amico,
Matthew
and good movie but really sad..... when i saw it ...i could really feel for the poor girl.....
ReplyDeletebut i thought that was fiction.....but reading you part ...you have suffered too......that's gives me feeling that i can't even describe in words......i haven't seen or heard like this around me, ever and may be that's the reason.....i can't feel wat u have been through.........
don't want to sympathize cause that wouldn't be good to the courage you have shown to and fight you fought to get to the position you are rite now........
@ Tony: Hello, my brother. Good to hear from you.
ReplyDeleteI think Gabby didn't win not so much because of who she was up against but rather how she, from the get-go, showed that she was absolutely not the character she portrayed in the film. That's my theory.
I am sorry to hear you, too, have been through sexual abuse as a child. As for those who think it can only happen in movies, you and I, as well as millions of molestation survivors, know better. Nothing more to add regarding the matter.
You shed the light on a very important aspect of sexual abuse during childhood, which was going to be my next post, or one of the future posts: enjoying it despite it being morally wrong on the part of the abuser. Stay tuned.
I connect with you on a much higher level now, knowing that we both went through identical scenarios. It saves lots of explaining. Big hug!
@ Matthew: It is sad for me to say that I find solace in not being the only one who's lived the atrocity of abuse in all its possible forms. At the same time, I wish nobody on earth would go through that, because it is unnecessary slowing down of the victim's ascension in life.
ReplyDeleteIn my case, domestic violence was more traumatic than sexual abuse. If my country had laws that banned parents from beating their kids, my mom would have been jailed 20+ years ago. But then, I'm sure I would have cowardly covered up for her just so she stays with me - something she rarely did.
We can only come together to alleviate the weight of the burden we've been carrying mostly by ourselves all these years. My theory is that most, if not all, gay men have suffered abuse in their childhood, and it is one major reason their genetic predisposition got influenced.
More on that soon. Thank you for taking the time to stop by and share your story, Matthew. I appreciate it! Hugs
@ hitesh: Domestic violence and sexual abuse during childhood are one of the secrets best kept by kids around the world. Call it fear of further punishment or shameful guilt for bringing this onto oneself, but a silent kid usually is a dormant volcano - a ticking bomb - in need of help not to explode and cause damage than can hardly be undone.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your support and insight.
Wow. I almost skipped commenting on this because it is so hard to know what to say. All I kept thinking as I read your post was why did she do it? She gave you a reason... but how could she do it? Did she plan her acts of violence, or did she do it when she was in a rage? They are all useless questions, I suppose. What is important is you and how you are able to cope after going through what you have.
ReplyDeleteThat's really all I can think to say.
@ Story: She gave me reasons for being promiscuous i.e, to feed me, which was untrue because she had a job that paid more than enough to provide for 2 people.
ReplyDeleteHer reasons for beating me to death are as unconvincing as the reasons she gave for traumatizing me by bringing men to the house. Supposedly, I always deserved the whipping and the spitting in the face.
My mother always refuses to take the blame, especially not for causing me to grow too reserved, too withdrawn, too sensitive and too passive. She thinks I'm a useless, limp and worthless sack of rubbish.
The beatings happened almost daily; whenever something didn't go her way with the men to whom she devoted her attention (relegating my need for a mom to the background), I was her punching bag. I often joke how I am the reason she does not have a wrinkle on her face at 50-something, but it's true. She never held back her fist or tongue to devalorize me.
I'd lie if I said I am coping with that. I feel like a rootless tree miraculously standing ... but until when?
Oh I've read a little of the novell Push and seen the movie. Gosh it's so great, beautiful, sad and a eye opener. Poor precious.
ReplyDelete@ Linda: I agree. I have not read the book but watched the movie and did write this post the day after. Domestic violence is already horrible on its own; sexual abuse adds just more insult to injury. Thanks for stopping by!
ReplyDeleteHmm...you know me...I have many thoughts triggered by your words...Your mother in your words... ``Mother is educated, independent and has always had men at her feet.``Then as I read on...your words seemed to change direction about your mother....``I believe mom holds a grudge against me because the men she wanted to marry must have had a problem with her having children.``
ReplyDeleteIf she was truly as independent as you thought...she would not need a man to take care of her....if she was educated, she would have taken care of herself...
Just maybe she was not as educated and independent as you thought her to be....maybe she really did have issues such as the mother of Precious.
Could it be that your dreams and reality have you confused to the point, that your hurts want you to hate your mother and not accept that maybe she really did need help.
I am in NO WAY defending her ways or treatment of you at all...I am however reading between your thoughts and fears.
You could also have been a deep seated reminder of own nightmares of having to give sexual favors for money...and or a memory of a certain man in her life.
SO many reasons lay behind why a mother chooses to punish her child.
There is no reason to dismiss the horrific actions and wrong doings...but there most certainly is a reason why they do it.
For a victim to understand the reasons behind the abuse...it helps in many ways to set them free of the hate prison they find themselves in.
End the abuse that has taken up so many of your years and begin a life of freedom and move on in your thoughts.
I leave you with a feeling of warmth from my arms holding your pain and taking it with me*
@ Dorothy: Mom has always had issues she refuses to acknowledge. The closest she gets to admitting that is by blaming everything on how life treated her. A bride at 20, a divorcee at 23, a bride again at 26, a widow at 27, and a beautiful trophy ever since.
ReplyDeleteShe, in no way, needed money to survive. Her pay was more than enough for a stingy mother and an undemanding son. She, however, always surrounded herself with indecent women who used her silly. Her sexcapades were to help get so-and-so out of prison, avoid military service to so-and-so ... but never for her.
As for the violence to which she submitted me, she said the other day that it's because she didn't know any better. That it's how she was raised. I objected emphasizing how her parents never spat on her face, cut her wrist open with a big kitchen knife, splash her with pepper spray in her sleep, or kick her out of the house, barefooted, in the cold rainy winter, at the mere age of 6, in a neighborhood full of drug dealers and sexual predators.
My mom made then broke me. It is the utter truth. Hugs*
:o
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ReplyDelete<3
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