March 28, 2011
5 Kissing Styles Philematologists Hate!
Hi. My name is Wilmaryad. I'm a philematologist.
I kiss for a living. And live for kissing.
Philematology studies chemicals kissing releases. Mainly arousing, trust-building, stress-reducing: Oxytocin.
While your dance moves preview your lovemaking acumen, your kissing style hints at your romantic potential.
If you fail to impress on a first date (shyness, your ex dining at the next table, ...), how well you kiss can save the night!
Professional secret bids me from kissing and telling.
But what the hell? I'm feeling con pro today. ;-)
Let's reverse-psychology it ...
Let's describe what good kissing isn't.
5. Donald Trump
Fancy a millionaire with lips tighter than a chicken's rear?
This kisser's lips won't unzip! Talk of kissing a wall.
Unless your mouth is a stinky dumpster, open sesame!
Pecks are for preschoolers, boo.
Ever seen a lizard's tongue whip an insect?
With this kisser, you shouldn't worry something's stuck between your teeth. His tongue offers free and thorough flossing and tartar removal.
Perfect after dinner, eh?
3. Car Wash
Forget Neutrogena face wash products!
This kisser takes "sucking face" literally. His mouth opens so widely, his lips and saliva cover your nose, mustache and chin.
Worse if he licks your inner ear, too.
No names ... Sofiane.
2. Sterilized Tongue
Breath fresheners smell good.
And they leave bad aftertaste!
This kisser means well, but I refuse to kiss Vicodin.
I was vacuuming a guy's tonsils when my taste buds clammed up.
"Have you had onions today?" I asked.
"No! I sucked on mint strips all day for you!" He quivered.
1. The Kissophobe
He is the world's absolute finest kisser.
And he hates it!
His lips are likely to make you swoon.
Then, he suddenly stops to say the unfathomable.
"I can't! Kissing grosses me out ... but it's not you, all right?"
He was a Virgo. We can't blame him.
Despite kissing a few frogs, I admit having kissed more princes.
My personal record? 7 hours non-stop.