5 Kissing Styles Philematologists Hate!

Hi. My name is Wilmaryad. And I'm a philematologist.

Philematology studies chemicals kissing releases. Mainly feel-good, bonding, cuddle hormone: Oxytocin.

Say, you failed to impress on a first date. How well you kiss can and will turn odds in your favor!

So, let's reverse-psychology it for aspiring Oxytocin swappers. Let's describe what good kissing isn't!

5. Donald Trump

This kisser's lips are tighter than a chicken's rear. His lips just won't unzip!

The worst part? You launch a French attack and your tongue hits a wall.

Unless your mouth is a stinky dumpster, open sesame!

P.S. Pecks are for preschoolers, boo. Loosen up!

4. Toothpick

Ever seen a lizard's tongue whip an insect?

With this kisser, you shouldn't worry something's stuck between your teeth. His tongue offers free and thorough flossing and tartar removal.

Per-fe-ct after dinner.

3. Car Wash

Forget Neutrogena face wash products!

This kisser takes "sucking face" literally. His mouth opens so widely, his lips and spit cover your nose, mustache and chin. He'll even lick your ear canal.

No names ... Sofiane.

2. Sterilized Tongue

Breath fresheners smell good and leave bad aftertaste.

This kisser means well, but I refuse to kiss Vicodin. I was vacuuming a guy's tonsils when my taste buds clammed up. "Had onions today?" I asked.

"No! I sucked on mint strips all day for you!" He enthused.

1. The Kissophobe

He is the world's absolute finest kisser! And he hates it!

His lips make you swoon. And, suddenly, he stops to say the unfathomable. "I can't! Kissing grosses me out ... but it's not you, all right?" He was a Virgo.

Despite kissing a few frogs, I admit having kissed more princes.

My personal record? 7 hours non-stop.

What's yours?

About the author: Wilmaryad's last Kiss Kiss was in 1999.

98 comments:

  1. 7 hrs?! WTF?! How? Seriously? OMG! Hahaha...i can't stop laughing in glee..and I'm kinda aroused...shit....bt yeah...okay...so number 2 and number 3 sound MOST disgusting!!

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  2. Cousin wanted to teach me how to kiss. 7 hours later, I either sucked at it or was really good. He is, to this day, the best kisser I've ever known. He, also, is the one who hates kissing. :)

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  3. Oh, 7 hours of kissing in one day, at age 11, sounds more feasible than at, say, 28. A British priest I, once, was into had kissed a guy for 3 days! He said they only had eating, bathroom and sleeping breaks in between.

    Coming up for air? Where exactly are your hubby's lips located? ;)

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  4. I adore the topics of your posts! Such an impressive kissing record--7 hours! Wow. That's like a full days work! I honestly think kissing is gross. Imagine all the bacteria in the human mouth alone, then "swapped" with another equally gross human mouth. My longest kiss duration? .0333 seconds! Maybe it had a lot to do with garlic and my reluctance to want to kiss at all but decided to anyway.

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  5. A poetic soul such as yours abstaining from the luscious pleasure of kissing? Let me try to talk you into kissing, in a logical fashion. ;) When both kissers have the same (invisible) bacteria, exchanging it would hurt neither. Try to swap fruit during lip-lock (strawberries, grapes, cherries) or some creamy delicacy (whipped cream, chocolate) and the experience should get more enjoyable. Convinced? :D And, hey, there's nothing that screams EQUALITY than kissers snogging after having both eaten tuna, onion or garlic. ;)

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  6. But you didn't tell about the perfect kiss!
    I kissed once in my life.That was back in college time,I met this guy at one of Algiers cinemas(...)He initiated me to kissing ,I think he subscribes to the third in your list.I confess it was ...hot ,although his tongue tasted tobacco and he had his saliva all around my mouth but I liked it plus, now I miss it...
    These days my scarce conquests are very strange to kissing,they seem totally new to it.

    You last kissed 20 years ago!!What made you retire from life this early!How can you hendle living lonely?

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  7. Hey, good to see you around here again! Twahachnek, ya sidi. Wech rak? :)

    Nah, my last kiss was in 99 ... 12 years ago. My life ended that year and so did my chances (or willingness, at some later point) to lock lips with anybody.

    The perfect kiss lasted 7 hours. It alternated between tender soft pecks and sloppy throaty devouring, with lots of labial teasing in between. I was in another dimension that day.

    You mean your conquests are bad kissers or kissophobic?

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  8. i won't challenge your claim of 7 hours, as i have no precise recollection to challenge you with, only that i am absolutely into kissing. a man who doesn't kiss is a man that finds himself on his way out. from the subtle approach to totally ravaging the lips and more, it's finding our own rhythm with sudden fluxes of passion....

    as for bacterias, you've all got an immune system, don't you?
    USE IT!!

    :)~
    HUGZ

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  9. God, I've heard tell of the dentist kiss but never been burdened with it. I will confess that I was out doing indiscreet research one recent Sunday night, mere hours before I had to be at work, and in my vulnerable state found myself suddenly in the midst of a case study with a fellow who practiced bad habit #6 - lengual assault. He tensed his tongue to a narrow point and repeatedly plunged it into mine. I think I bled. My findings remain unpublished due to my failure to repeat these findings with any other study. Thank god.

    Incidentally, I discovered Tarkan last week! And will not be putting him back down any time soon.

    Always glad when you write!

    Oh, and 7 hours - wow. Though I just had my first really enjoyable, smoke-free kiss recently and I can see it.

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  10. It may have been 8/9 hours. It was nighttime when grandpa came looking for us.

    Weren't courtesans bid from kissing clients to avoid emotional attachment? That could be the reason why some people refuse to kiss. We can only kiss someone we have feelings for or, at the very least, have major attraction for.

    Watch out, though! Mono can be transmitted through kissing, a hot Cuban reported.

    When's the last time you've had some labial collision? :)

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  11. Ha, Andrew! Sorry you experienced kissing that way. Lingual assault makes you assume the guy works for a saliva-sampling lab. And since you were on the prowl for research ... :)

    How long did your first enjoyable, tobacco-free kiss last? Do tell.

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  12. I don't think I did a 7-hour-performance but I remember a kiss that lasted for what felt like 7 hours. I was 16 or 17, SHE (yes, it occurred with a girl) was a year older, and we kissed all through the longest version of Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive' I've ever heard. She was gasping afterwards as if I had worked some other labial space of hers, which showed me that I must have been a terrific kisser back then. As for arousal, well, I didn't feel any; I was rather disgusted because her kiss tasted of, well, saliva mostly. *shudder*
    But ever since, I've always been fond on kissing. There hasn't been a day since I met my bf that we don't kiss each other a tender good-morning and a good-to-see-you-again-kiss when we return home after work. Whenever there's some sweet romantic scene in a film, we just seem compelled to kiss. I daresay I've met my share of kissophobics; each time, it was a sure telltale sign for me that the story wasn't meant to last for long.

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  13. wasn't it in the summer of 2007? could be 2008, it's getting vague. after a series of bad, uninteresting dates, i decided to close shop

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  14. At least her saliva didn't taste like a locker room at rush hour. :) Aww, it's cute you and Seb keep romance alive. Kissing, I find, melts any grudges and reinforces the bond couples have.

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  15. I admire your abstinence. Do you ever miss kissing somebody?

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  16. Yetwa7chek l5ir...Labas 7amullah
    I've re-subscribed just recently and I've already read your previous posts.I didn't find anything to write..
    20,12 Math took a serious shot there ,lol.

    You know human attraction system is blowing my mind off:finally being straight is just one of the options.See even gay people you can have them into many categories.Yet I never understood an adult attracted to a minor!

    My so called conquests didn't know what is kissing,they are only familiar with the bang-bang (theory) .I remember one when I tried to kiss him ,he didn't know what was that!Even the response after was hilarious.

    Now Wil,I want to ask you something:there's is this 50 years old man,qu'il ne fait absolument pas, a teacher of maths,married with children ,one of them would be 24,a teacher too..My man is incredibly cute,you'd spread him on a cracker and eat him alive!A cal person and he still have this baby face and beautiful eyes...The point is I feel as if there's magnetsim between us .To help fasten things,I made some silly moves to which his response was nada.But I remember him staring at me 3 times eye to eye in different places that's what make me think he's too afraid to show or maybe his age,family,job,ethics don't allow him.I don't know what to do ,we seldom meet and I don't wanna waste my time running after yet another mirage.What'you think?

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  17. Oh, intermittently for a couple hours (and then a couple other couples of hours over a couple of days). Pretty standard fare, I guess. Training up for your superhuman feat!

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  18. Hamdullah. ^_^

    As a teacher whose "job" is to keep a good "reputation", in a culture obsessed with honorable reputation preservation, it's legitimate the guy's careful.

    I always say "Go for it but friendship first."

    Since he's married and has kids, expect his family to be a big part of his life. So, for him to squeeze you into his daily life without sneaking, his family must get used to seeing you with him. You, therefore, must become buddies.

    If the romance thing fizzles out, you'll have made a (gorgeous) friend!

    Hey, maybe he's a good kisser, too. ;-)

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  19. Hey, not bad at all. :) I knew a priest who kissed a guy for 3 days!

    P.S. It's unfair kissing requires closed eyes. Yours are GORGEOUS! Oh, but then, your kissing partner wouldn't wanna look cross-eyed up close. :p

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  20. I love your funny posts. You write so many serious thought provoking ones that sometimes I forget how funny you can be. The car wash and tartar removal had me laughing the most, and this was a day when I really needed a laugh, so thank you!

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  21. I consider moving to the school where he teaches next year.I can't tell you I can't live two days in a row without seeing him.Although ,sometimes I strive to recollect the picture of his face when his absence lasts.I'm afraid,he'd take it as intimidaton or harrassment since so far I'm not sure he's homo,I may well be wrong just like the thousand times before.On the other hand I can't let it go,he's too precious to me and believe me if things patch,I'd take him to San Fransisco and marry him..I'm serious......Why is it that I always make the moves,why not ne day someone stalks me and we fall in love .why always me,am I the only fag or what?

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  22. I wouldn't transfer schools to be close to someone I'm unsure will reciprocate my infatuation. That'd be too big of an investment, don't you think?

    I say, test the waters from afar. Maybe go to the same coffee shop he often hangs at? Ask for the time ... you know old courtship tricks. :D

    Oh, you can't marry in San Francisco, buddy. Not anymore. Not yet. So, marriage will have to be spiritual.

    You wanna be stalked? Oh my God! LOL That's a first!

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  23. I like the last sentence of your comment especially LOL ;)

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  24. Well thank you, my dear, for the informative article on kissing. I think common sense would eradicate 4-3, and I'd say I'm probably somewhere between a 5 and a 1. But I am a kiss-virgin, so one never knows what will come out when the time is right ;)

    Strangely, I did tell one very handsome guy online (many people's perfect type physically) that I had never been kissed before. He said that I was cute and that he would kiss me. Part of me just wanted to get together with him so he'd just damn kiss me so I could have some experience! The guy I really wanted to be with, though, was Farid. I have huge fat lips, he has thin ones. I'm not sure if that's a good combination or not, but something I clearly thought about. Should have been spending more time learning Ancient Greek and less time thinking about kissing him. Obviously it never realized, and the one time it very well could have (and from his side), I totally froze.

    7 hours is quite a lot. Even Farid only claimed 3. He said that he rather enjoyed it, but wasn't going to take the guy seriously on the long term, but perhaps see him one more time (to finish the deed most likely). *large sigh*

    I didn't know about the biological info exchange, but I must admit that kissing has become such a yearned-for and exotic experience to me that it seems like it would be the realization of my sexual identity. I would completely melt (not to mention be turned on) by kissing, and the image and feeling of me kissing someone is often the subject of my most intimate fantasies. That must sound quaint, but it's true. All it ever takes is a kiss :)

    By the way, love the Turkish song! Now that I'm going to Istanbul again this year. You should provide me with more Turkish recommendations! Turkish music is often the product of a great great mix-- many songs are often European (in a Greek sense), but slightly more exotic, with more 'arab-esque' sounds and influences.

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  25. wow, I just noticed, 1999! I hereby restore your kissing virginity. Hey, if honorary virginity is good enough for Galahad, it should be good enough for us!!! :D

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  26. By the way, just another little note: when Pietro offered me that blow job the night Farid was in his musical candlelit bath, that was the one thing that went through my mind: my kiss virginity. I thought to myself: "I can't believe it, I'm being offered sex, without having even experienced a kiss!" That disgusted me more than anything. A female friend and I once discussed kissing, and rather randomly I jumped in and said, "I feel so impure!" (I was thinking about my thoughts, lol). She said, "haha, there's no reason to feel impure unless you've had sex before kissing!" And then, with Pietro, I saw that that could have very well been my reality. Losing my actual virginity before losing my kiss virginity. Talk about cruel comedy, the likes of which you're assured to find with the gays!

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  27. LOL, I think we've all given up to some extent :S LOL LOL LOL. How many times do I have to LOL before I get a blow job, again ? ;-D

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  28. Oh no, we're losing him to diet soda!

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  29. You'd place yourself between Stitched Lips and Kissophobic? But, I thought you friend described you as too "aggressive"? :p

    Regardless of labial size and/or duration, kissing remains an exquisite delicacy ... provided that the other is a good kisser. There was this straight guy I made out with for 6 months, who looked like a mix of Brad Pitt and Colin Farrell, and yet had stitched lips syndrome. *sigh*

    Tarkan is the only Turkish singer I know. I'm aware I'm unworthy of my Turkish blood. :D

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  30. Something tells me you'll be generously compensated for your patience, this summer.

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  31. Like I told you before, never tasting something as exquisite as kissing is better than getting high on it, then having to abstain from it. I, this very minute, don't miss it. But, sometimes, labial action becomes an (unsatisfied) obsession! Poor us. Boo-hoo. :D

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  32. Oh gosh, I literally LOL-ed on Car Wash! But, hey, I'm not going to kiss n tell either. Suffice it to say, it's been a while...sigh...Damn. why do I have to be so honest???

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  33. Join the club, sister. It's been more than a while here ... probably why I've made myself un-kiss-able. But, what's keeping ya from sucking face, mother Teresa? Who's that foolish man unwilling to sip on your vibrant soul?

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  34. I love kissing. I have definitely kissed too much tongue guy and it is no fun. I will tell you that I still have my tonsils, there is no need to confirm it with your tongue!!

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  35. Oh God, the mental picture of tonsil removal during a kiss! Eeek

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  36. Something tells me NOT, but I am traversing the world this summer. I plan on making love to it :D

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  37. or perhaps it's the weed in Amsterdam ;) J/k

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  38. I don't know what our personal best is... You and I haven't kissed yet! The results will have to wait until then! hahaha...

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  39. I don't know what our personal best is... You and I haven't kissed yet! The results will have to wait until then! hahaha...

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  40. You know how most prudish virgins' first experience ends up ... behind a dumpster. :D

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  41. Great list! Although I don't think I've ever encountered #1 - a kissophobic? That's like hating oral sex. WEIRD.

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  42. When the kissophobic is a dick with a stellar dick, you're d-o-o-m-e-d.

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  43. Oh gosh....yet again...another titillating topic~

    Hmmmm...I would have to say that if a person does not know passion or understand it....they will never be able to be a good kisser.
    Kissing is most definitely a way to gage just how passionate a person will be in lovemaking/sex/fornication ect~

    I am a very passionate woman and for me kissing can in itself be a very intimate way to communicate and oh so very explosive~

    I love to spend an evening here and there and just allow the rules of engagement to be kissing. It is fascinating how crazy and satisfying that can be for both involved~

    Huggz to you my dear friend~

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  44. Hand-on, Dorothy. And who would want a soulless lump for a lover/boyfriend/partner?

    Imagine my disappointment when a Collin Farrel/Brad Pitt hybrid sucked at kissing!

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  45. Mother Theresa I ain't! And while there are men willing to sip, I haven't found one who can senses enough of my *vibrant soul* to make me want to let him sip on it, at least not one who is available...:)

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  46. Oops, typo - cancel 'can'

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  47. His hiatus
    Our king-less comitatus!

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  48. LOL, I am NOT a prudish virgin. Just call me a young man in love with love. And check out my Pisa album--you will see first hand that I was all over the campanile ("leaning tower"). I think I might have lost my virginity to it :D

    I miss your articles. Let's have some new content on here!

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  49. LOL, I am NOT a prudish virgin. Just call me a young man in love with
    love. And check out my Pisa album--you will see first hand that I was
    all over the campanile ("leaning tower"). I think I might have lost my
    virginity to it :D


    I miss your articles. Let's have some new content on here!

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  50. In love with love, huh? We'll see how that goes for you. ;-)

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  51. D whistles....wow....nice way to wake up this morning with your very sexy background....Yummie is the word :)

    If a partner does not kiss with passion and a genuine want...then he is not for me. Kissing in itself owns its own sexuality and can be the most intimate forms of communicating feelings for each other....when done right of course~

    I love how you incorporated the frog into your description of how humans kiss ~

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  52. Hey mon ami, it's been a mighty long time I haven't got news from you! Everything alright? I really do hope so. Greetings 'n' hugs from a slightly worried ami de Paris…

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  53. hahaha!you're funny :) and your last kiss was in 1999?whoah!

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  54. Howdy,what's with you pal?5 months of missing you here!We must be heroes!Now come on Wil,hope you're doing good.We're worried,show face,man!

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  55. I know you don't like 'em and I know you don't answer easily; at least, you didn't all these last days/weeks/months. And still, dear Wil, no way to get away from me like that; no way to escape this – I've nominated you together with my other ever-bestest blog-friends for the Liebster Blog Award! Yeah, another one of those Awards whose purpose I really don't get a 100%. Yet, MY purpose in nominating you is to have news from you. You got my email, dude. At least I think you have. Ease my worries and stuff. Us cancers are werry werry worried guyz.
    As for the award, put on your little black dress, your stilettos, and retrieve it over at my place, will ya Wil? ... In the meantime, have fun & take care.

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  56. So Wil,if you're broke to pay the internet bill please do tell I'll see how to help.Your death silence is killing me man.

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  57. i like kissing than sex.

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  58. I love your writing, i regularly come to your blog, kiss was amazing,thanks

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  59. Replies
    1. Miss you, too. How are you and Mr. Wonderful?

      Delete
  60. Hello

    I love your blog.
    You should add it in the new gay bloggers' platform.
    http://www.bestgaybloggers.com

    What I like is that you can meet other gay bloggers with similar interests,
    and get many tools and tips for having more impact to your blog.
    I just add my blog.
    That 's why I give you the tip.
    ;)

    Martin

    ReplyDelete
  61. So sad that you've left us all alone... What's up, mon ami? I dearly hope (might even pray!) to hear from you again this year. For the time being, I wish you a Happy 2012. Do come back and speak to us, dear Wil. I'm not the only one to almost beg you to give us a sign!

    Bisous xoxoxo D.

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    Replies
    1. I should be back soon. Thank you for your loyalty, D! xo

      Delete
  62. Looking good Wilmy :)...someone has been hard at work :P

    Always lurking around the corner, I am....lol

    HH~
    ANGELO

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    Replies
    1. More like hardly working. ;-) Been a while, Angelo.

      Delete
  63. Heh!Look ,he's alive...I can read his words...
    So relieved ,I must say. Thank God you're "alive",I had "doubts"..Ma 6awwalsh 3lina...Que fais tu au juste?

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    Replies
    1. Alive and well, thank you. :)
      Took an impromptu hiatus. It lasted forever. Time flies.
      Me sentant mieux dans ma peau, je devrais revenir bientôt.
      Saha Ramdanek!

      Delete
  64. Another makeover of your blog, as I see. At least, that tells me you're alive. And kickin'. Do miss you, hun. Hope everything's alright & send ya hugs from icy-windy Paris, xoxoxo D.

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  65. I'm an unapologetic too much tongue guy (though I won't wash your face with saliva, it's all about good technique) and if you like oral, you better shut up and enjoy the ride.

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    Replies
    1. How you do it is how it's supposed to be done.

      Delete
  66. I miss you, Will. Shall we skype?

    CTMontreal

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    Replies
    1. CTMontreal--LOL your kissing photos change every day, I love them all! Je commence à tomber pour un turc à Istanbul. HELP!!! lol

      Delete
    2. I'm bedridden with fever. Tonsils up to sinuses. Inflamed vocal cords. Deaf from ear infection. Gotta keep busy. Un turc ? Déjà ? Tu te remets facilement. Bon courage !

      Delete
    3. CTMontréal: Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah I'm trying to learn Turkish but he seems shy about writing in English.. It's odd. Anyway, He tried to call me today and I missed it.... But he seems to like me somewhat. He sends me kisses from Istanbul! Should I go to Istanbul for a kiss? I'm so excited! But I need coaching!!

      Delete
    4. He called me "baby" today!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D

      Delete
    5. I'm scared! LOL I'm afraid I'm going to screw this up like Marc, "Farid", and all the others lol

      Delete
    6. CT Montréal: Ok I've cooled down a bit on the crush situation--there really isn't a lot of possibility there and there are only so many responses of ":)))))" that I can take on chat before I get bored. Anyway, I hope you're feeling better! Sounded serious. If not, you'd better get to a doctor!

      Delete
    7. Hello you. I did go to the doctor. I'm better but left ear is still deaf. Glad you realized it's likely hot air. I was going to advise against buying into "baby", "kiss" and similar shenanigans. Such expressions are said on autopilot from Morocco to Iran - they mean nothing. And to go all the way to Istanbul for a kiss would be unwise. While it's fun to wanna feel wanted after a breakup, the rebound shouldn't be taken too seriously, especially not from the Middle East/Asia Minor. Unless it all ends like in the movies.

      Delete
    8. CTMontréal: Turks are so beautiful and passionate though... Anyway fun to crush, but I'm not going to Istanbul anytime soon lol. I would rather hang out with Mumsy in the South of France personally :)

      Delete
  67. Hello Sir! I see that you are alive. Could you do me the pleasure of replying to the email(s) that I've sent to you! I would much appreciate it. I wouldn't want to be in your country, near your home and you not know about it!!!!! That would be un-southern of me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 'ello. I had no idea you were southern. Who said I was dead? My inbox has been deserted. Emails piled up. Had this comment not topped the list of unread emails, I wouldn't have known about it. Skype me and we'll catch up.

      Delete
  68. Salam there,the inspiration's gone or what!I told you you'll stop writing ,I won.Anyway How are you?Anything new in your life you could tell about,job?love?How's your mother?

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  69. Hey Will,so you didn't keep your promise....
    From time to time I take a glance at the number of comments ,Seeing them at 90 tells me you're still absent.
    Anyway ,you're missed,again, and I really hope to hear from you..just nod....In the meantime,I'll read over again your posts,learn English and wisdom from them,true. hhhhhhh

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    Replies
    1. Coucou Chagrin D'amour. Good to hear from you.

      What promise didn't I keep? ^_^

      Delete
    2. Hello there...and good to hear from you too...the promise of writing...remember I once bet you'll give up writing and I was right.
      get us updated with your news...job?love?mom?thoughts?

      Delete
    3. I didn't stop writing; I stopped posting. That makes you half right. :)

      Still jobless, loveless, motherless and thoughtless. But, you must have a more eventful life. If so, feel free to share your goings-on.

      Delete
  70. Shame shame, if I were Algeria ,I wouldn't "waste" someone like you...Hope you all the best of the world.

    I'm being more thoughtful about life matters (you know the turmoil we're living in lately here and there)..About homosexuality,I'm kinda confident now that it leads nowhere,I'm talking about the "doing" more than the "thinking of"...Lost hope entirely in finding love or eve, sex,I don't want either,I just feel better this way...Too complicated,time and thought consuming, and most of all UNFAIR...Couldn't convince myself about marriage,I made moves last year but thank god I was rejected...Still queer, but inside,as I told you,in total disapproval,maybe reconsidering the question religiously.... Failed some business I proceeded... .My life is so empty,gained a lot of pounds,I've become "home-bird" and lazy...music,movies,games and Facebook take most of my time.
    There you go ! You're not the only desperate on earth..lol

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    Replies

    1. Happy Eid. Hope Ramadan wasn't too rough on ya.

      Your epiphanies make sense. Finding love where we are is borderline comical since it'll go nowhere. One, we can't marry. Two, supply is not good enough to inspire demand. I haven't dipped my toe in the local scene for 16 years. but from what I see, brainwashing has metastasized.

      Sorry to hear your latest business venture fizzled. Try again. As for becoming a homebody, it's OK to indulge oneself. Especially when the psyche is in constant attack from the bitter daily reality of unmet emotional needs. I just pray our patience is rewarded once we meet our Maker.

      Do me a favor: do NOT fall in love on Facebook. We don't want you hurt in vain.

      Delete
  71. I miss you Wilmaryad, just in the Magreb this week and thought of you. CTMontréal

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    Replies
    1. I appreciate the kind sentiment. I hope you had a ball.

      Delete