My friends were still playing while I was uprooted from home, every morning, to grasp content two years older than my chronological and cognitive abilities.
I hated school. Til that middle school freshman year.
Ongoing laughter had resulted in year-end awards. Some classmates and I decided to decorate our classroom for the festivities.
Glitter all over, all giggles, we thought we had school all to us.
Wrong!
A classroom away, a teacher was tidying up his desk. My ebb and flow to grab decorations must have caught his attention. He ordered me to enter.
To my surprise, he said we had unfinished business. That he held a grudge against me. Laughing the news off, I argued not knowing him.
His face hardening, he exclaimed "This is no laughing matter!"
He slammed his books and sat on a table, thighs spread. He, then, ordered me to get closer. My gulps amplified, I stopped an inch from his knees.
Discontent, he grabbed my shirt and pulled me closer.
A button flew off.
"What am I to make of you, handsome?", he whispered, his eyes salivating, while contemplating the skin the missing button revealed.
Insistent I owed him, he instructed I kneel and crawl the classroom.
I refused.
His voluptuous thighs almost touching my zipper, combined with the probability of him molesting me, was unbearable. I burst into tears.
Hearing me cry, my classmates ran in.
He feigned innocence saying he was just teasing me. The girls escorted me out, shocked such a popular teacher was a pedophile.
Petrified, I decided to skip attending the day after's ceremony.
Guess who became my Arabic teacher for the following two years?
Exactly.
To indulge his vice, he divided us into boys-only and girls-only groups. Each week, one group attended a "make up session" to help us with ambiguous lessons. He and his shadiness were the only ambiguity.
He brought a sexual jokes encyclopedia he'd delight in telling. To the euphoria of my fellow boy classmates. I cared for no such content, especially from him, attracting criticism from the boys.
"Oh, relax!" they'd say.
Seated across from him, subjected to his hungry-wolf stare, made his class seem an eternity. My grades were as desolate. Justifiably.
Why like school when it employs pedophiles?
I was 11 when I asked that question.
Hey Will, Ticklebear has been celebrating your birthday! Hope you had a good day.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I thought this article was difficult to read. The people who you've come across in your life have simply not treated you right, and I am truly sorry that all this has happened to such a good person.
I love your blog.
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Sadly, he is still teaching. Probably in the same school, probably.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kind birthday wishes you left on his blog! I overdosed on pizza and dessert for the occasion. I'd have invited you both.
ReplyDeleteHey, maybe I was Bloody Mary in a previous life and am paying for my past wrongdoing? I'm just glad I don't look like pedophile bait anymore.
Grateful for the offer.
ReplyDeleteDoes this post ever bring back memories...I was not sexually assaulted but at the innocent age of 7 ...a male teacher put me across his knee...pulled up my skirt and spanked me in front of the entire class.Needless to say that is one of those memories that has remained a part of my immediate past memories/nightmares.
ReplyDeleteI happened to see this man after all these years about 1 month ago and I was stopped in my tracks...he must have noticed that I was staring at him because he smiled back at me. That smile shot through me like a sword tainted with poison. My thoughts were..".if only laws were in place then as they are now involving touching a student..you would not be standing there with that smirk on your face"
Life is so confusing at times especially when our pasts somehow face us in our present years later. So I ask...is there really a reason for everything that happens and are we so not in control over what is about to come our way throughout our lives????
Remarkable. Utterly strange and repellent and, tragically, seemingly so common. Your ability to put this down so sensitively, and yet with such irony, says so much about the solid young man you have become.
ReplyDeleteGreat good fortune!
Oh, dear, Dorothy, I'm sorry that incident still haunts you.
ReplyDeleteSpankings here were so common that "turning oneself in" to the teacher's rubber hose/ wooden stick torture was uneventful.
If today's laws existed a while back, I'd have no parents, no siblings, no neighbors, and no teachers. Not that I've ever felt I had any of those.
What we all need, at some point, is reassurance. A friendly presence in our lives. A pragmatic, yet compassionate, source of opinion. Most importantly, we need to stop and heal before venturing back out.
That's why I took a sabbatical. My life needs its self-governance back.
The disturbing part of this story, Dan, is that that same teacher was constantly with my then-love interest - a classmate sitting next to me, and supposedly the smartest guy in the entire school.
ReplyDeleteTeacher and student were inseparable. Volleyball practice, cultural contests, and even weekends spent at the teacher's house. My stumbling upon an "Mr. ______ , I Love You" clarified things.
I am so sorry this happened to you. People who sexually abuse children never stop. Ever. Unless they die or are locked up forever.
ReplyDelete(Natural) death is a more effective solution, indeed, since imprisonment only delays the pedophile's sexual impulses satisfaction. Testosterone-reducing medication sounds like a more radical remedy.
ReplyDeleteHm, I'll leave another comment because I saw that you edited your last posting and that you answered the latest comments. Which makes me glad because I started to worry about you (haven't heard from you for ages is why. I hope you're well? I hope you're not cross with me for some reason I ignore?). So, well, hrm, happy you seem to be fine, and I send you the very best (don't I ever?) from icy-cold Paris.
ReplyDeleteHowdy D. I have no reason to be mad at you, sweetie.
ReplyDeleteYes, content & form renovations have been under way here.
Lots has happened. Lots needs processing.
Hence the not-so-absent absence.
Make sure your nose's tip won't fall off from the icy cold!
Hi over again and also glad you're alive...I sent to an email without response,I worried..Anyway,sometimes I think over things and this subjet is insistant:I realized that most pedophiles are originally straight,they have children who have the same age as the victims!These people never do with one lover,they mmove from one to one just as they were "disposable diapers" ,they never this about their future or the trauma they caused,I've seen them with my eyes and wasn't able to talk,how in hell could I speak ,they already know . This practice is omnipresent alas,you can't imagine the discoveries I make every day on people converting/trying this new senstation whitch is innocent flesh...That's why I like the West,they have age set for everything 18 or 21 in some American states!! But here as Muslims,ageno matter is the age provided that he is cute.Sighs and sighs !!
ReplyDeleteBonne fête de l'Aid. I'm coming out of hibernation, so bear with me.
ReplyDeletePedophiles are alike, regardless of their race, color, or creed.
Our legal system punishes pedophilia. And law can't intervene unless the victim denounces the abuser. I, for one, would have spent much of my youth in courts if I had decided to sue.
You witnessed a child being sexually abused and kept mum? Ouch.
Hey Will, I too, like Dieter and some others here have wondered about your absence although I had little doubt that you'd resurface sooner or later. (Takes one to know one, huh? :)).
ReplyDeleteYou know, being here in this typing space on your blog is being in a whole different psychological space, where memories and feelings of nostalgia and pain gently percolate into consciousness - innocence, lost and forever henceforth desperately sought again, the cruel blows of the actions of adults on our childhood that quiver threateningly with new life when I read posts like these, the guilt that creeps into the child's pure mind because it begins to believe that it was somehow responsible....
Ah, Will, you sure take us down some painful alleys!
Glad you're not mad. Sent an email, too, to wish you Happy birthday cause I thought I had seen someone leaving a message in that sense. And got no answer so I feared the Ole Lady Of The Maghreb was cross lol ;)) Glad to hear about 'renovation works', too. Don't worry about my nose-tip, I'm a guy from Alpine WInter Wonderland and sooooo longing for a snowy coat of at least, well, let's see, 1 metre would be nice, I guess.
ReplyDeleteNo not that way but I saw them talking to minors I knew already they're gonna be on their laps!It's a tabou here ,you may end up pointed by some people's fingers. And believe me there are some fathers aware of their kids having affairs and act nonchalant fearing the shame....weird question:don't you ever question you penchant?Don't you thik you're gay because you've been molested and your parents were/are cold?
ReplyDeleteSorry ,again, Bonne fête de l'Aid though I hate crude meet and offal smell
ReplyDeleteInterrupting "pedophile - child interactions" to spare the child future emotional scars is courageous, but it's worth taking the risk for. All is needed is warning the minor about the predator's hidden motives.
ReplyDeleteAny parent aware and oblivious of his child being molested should be sanctioned. The real shame is not that their kids got abused, but that they kept mum about it, which lets the pedophile's deeds fester.
I don't think sexual touching, to which I was subjected as a child, was a factor in my penchant. My craving for male affection was there before. I've always known who I was and still am, you know.
Is sir a vegetarian? :)
I didn't receive your email, unfortunately. But, aww, how sweet! xo
ReplyDeleteThe Ole Lady of the Maghreb? I dare not imagine what inspired this. LOL
And how are you, in all of this, dear Dieter?
Only recently have I realized these posts of mine add no value.
ReplyDeleteThat they take you down some painful alleys was not my goal.
But they did. So, I failed.
I stepped back to rethink my approach to posting. To find my voice. To restructure my older posts. To create useful and helpful content.
You did that brilliantly on your last post. And you helped remind me of my self-worth. That's the kind of writing I aspire to adopt. Peppering it with personal stories is good, but to indulge in talking about oneself (like I've spent a year doing) is just too ... tacky.
No but tend to.I think it happened in 8th grade ,remeber that lesson where we had to "slaughter" that poor rabbit to study its intestines?Well I collapsed and went unconscious.Every ounce of delicious meet has this horrible story behind it.It's halal but I can't stand blood.The smell of crude meet is a smell of war,of death! Since ever I don't eat the Zellouf and the offal,just a bit of meet without fat does it for me,generally,the guy sitting next to me is always lucky ,he could have my share.I swear I'm not effiminate and my fav band is Pink Floyd lol (Hey speaking of male affection, this CUTIE is my lifetime fantasy http://2.bp.blogspotDOTcom/_zqbWY1R-7bM/SyO5TtDGGtI/AAAAAAAAD-M/jUqei_YssL4/s1600/RodMitchell-H0479-001a.jpg )
ReplyDeleteHematophobic, huh? Understandable. I, too, am not a meat fan.
ReplyDeleteYou swear you're not effeminate. What's wrong with the contrary?
The photo link doesn't work. But I Googled Rod Michell and found, instead of a photo, a video. You like men with 70's porn stache? :p
I wouldn't say they add no value. There's always something to be gained. Remembering old hurts can provide the impetus to find ways of rising above them.
ReplyDeleteIf I may be so bold as to suggest, you've got your voice and a very powerful one at that. But if you feel that your purpose is changing or that you would like it to change, by all means follow it's lead and the voice will modulate accordingly :)
One post will be devoted to unclogging toilets of the psyche. :-)
ReplyDeleteAs for a shift of voice, let's say I'm now mixing rap with opera. LOL
.God nothing wrong ,ot's a cliché though that sensitive fragile people are effeminate,don't make a drama out of this.
ReplyDelete.You want to changeDOT with a dot,you silly!
.I do I do I love them almost all,again google Dan Pace,Rocky Genero ,Nick Fabrini (all Italian stallions),Mike Morris,Steve Scott,and many more,today seems tastes are toward fake plastic made hunks who do nothing for me.
Doesn't Rod Michell look like a younger, hairier version of our president? ;-)
ReplyDeleteNothing wrong with liking scruffy, natural guys.
They're cool when their mindset isn't as raw as they look. :)
Happy New Year!
What? "wache jab l jab"!!...BTW don't you think our president has got "a thing":he's never got married,he's too "male-kissy" ,his look, I personally have my doubts! Remember his lame move on that Lebanese journalist,he clearly was faking!But I'm sure he was a cutie in his youth.
ReplyDeleteThe 70's men were not scruffy,if only picture was as fine as it is today ,you'd change your mind.
Non, Wallah jab. :-) Fallait le voir jeune. Même à son âge maintenant, il n'est pas mal du tout.
ReplyDeleteD'après ce qu'on raconte, il s'est bien amusé avec plusieurs nanas, dans les années 70.
Couverture? Aucune idée.
"Gay Arab Guy" has been included in this weeks Sites To See. I hope you like the image I featured, and I hope this helps to attract many new visitors here.
ReplyDeletehttp://asthecrackerheadcrumbles.blogspot.com/2010/10/sites-to-see_08.html
You picked a post particularly dear to me.
ReplyDeleteThis is generous of you, thank you.
Love Suzanne Vega; and that teacher needed his ass paddled. and not in a good way either lala..
ReplyDeleteWhen innocence, which childhood entails, is taken away from you, you spend the rest of your life chasing it, coming across as immature for your age, which is apparently a major turn-off.
ReplyDeleteWhat unconscious people should realize is that a child-like soul is not childish. It's even an old one. How could it not be when it had seen the ugliest sides of human nature and dwelt in the darkest pits of hell? In my case, it is not Peter Pan complex. It's living stolen moments in childhood at a later stage in life.
Molesters are mere obstacles in life. Parents should teach their kids how to overcome these obstacles. Life is not about avoiding problems but about learning how to deal with them. Let's face it, if a girl were molested, consequences would be dire, since she would lose her virginity (a big No-no in conservative societies) and could even get pregnant (would a 12-year-old still in need of parenting handle being a parent herself?).
When a boy gets molested, the worst that could happen is his realization he has a penchant towards men. I don't know about the world, but I don't see being gay as an abomination. Quite the contrary. The abomination are irresponsible parents who fail to hug the guilt away from their molested kids.
And then people judge & malign villains in movies ... I don't! Hugs
hi again! :) haven't been here for ages...
ReplyDeletethat was a terrible experience! thinking what if it were my son who's in that very awkward situation, makes me shiver... it's a good timing that you have your girl friends with you. :)
oh, wilmy! missed you so much! ^_^ ~bigbighugz~
I'm out of words, here… More and more amazed that you're still alive and kicking, after all you went through. I can feel your dilemma as a young boy, the knowing that what is happening to you is wrong, yet at the same time the sensual excitement. The first one causing fear, anger and bad conscience (if he's chosen me, I must be responsible somehow); the second even more bad conscience (he must have felt I'm excited by him). I'm just glad you turned out quite a fighter (despite all you probably think about yourself) and a creative mind able to share all this with us. Hugs'n'kisses, as usual, from Paris.
ReplyDeleteyou know how i feel about this kind of thing. i still got a cleaver ready with their name on it....
ReplyDelete:/~
HUGZ
Wil - it amazes me that at 11 you had the vocabulary of experience to know the danger you were in. No one can ever say what you went through was a good thing, but I hope the earlier instances with your family helped to protect you against attempts like this. And I hope you're finding closure by telling about it.
ReplyDeleteSo, you are alive! That's good news.
ReplyDeleteYou just made me realize that without my classmates intrusion, that teacher would have gotten more than his way. I can't imagine the awfulness if that happened to a girl. tsk tsk tsk
Glad to read you anew. Big bear hugs!
This was not a traumatizing experience, since I had known worse before it. In the sense that the teacher did not threaten me with a knife in the bushes, like some drug addict did.
ReplyDeleteNuisance was seeing him almost everyday, the year that followed, right in front of me in the classroom, as he had become my Arabic teacher. You can't imagine how uneasy I used to feel, during our "make up" sessions with him. He would alternate male-only and female-only weeks.
You'd think he was explaining difficult lessons and Grammar rules during those sessions? Hell-to-the-No! He would bring a big book of dirty jokes in Classical Arabic and regale our ears. He was ticked I, unlike the rest of my male classmates, did not laugh. I vividly remember a joke about a guy who broke his penis. Pfft ... xo
I believe in divine justice. No normal individual would touch a child. I don't blame abnormal people anymore because they don't know any better. We must teach kids self-defense and tricks to prevent being molested, mainly through mind manipulation of the molester. Keep that cleaver to feed Carrie yummy meat. :)
ReplyDeleteAt 11, I had already been molested countless times. That year was astoundingly filled with sexual abuse - the culmination. It was the last year somebody had ever coerced me. Whew!
ReplyDeleteThat teacher wanted me but I am sure he had my then-classmate and long-time crush - the best student of the whole school. They were inseparable (volleyball practice, cultural activities, weekend stays at the teacher's house). This, however, doesn't mean all teachers are molesters.
This is a most powerful post. The times we are in these days, I must say--victimization as become rampant. I feel that adults making advances on small children is deplorable. I have to say this. Children are naturally curious about their worlds and shame on these individuals to exploit a child in this way. Granted, I am amazed that you recognized, at a young age what was happening to you. I am sad for you in that much of your youth has been in my opinion, taken from you. I reflect back on you speaking with your mother regarding these issues and her not being supportive or doubting what happened to you still upsets me. I commend your bravery and the ability to discuss these aspects of your childhood. I will continue to wish you the very best.
ReplyDeleteStay Gold -hugs-
Wil...dear friend..I just shed a tear for your loss of innocence. No matter how many times a child is robbed of their freedom to trust and to just be children...they lose yet another part of themselves. We hear and see more today than yesterday...but it is not to say that rape and child molestation did not run as rampant as it is today. One would think we are somewhat more civilized..but I fear we are so not...this saddens me and makes my hope for mankind almost wasteful of my time and energy.
ReplyDeleteI can only share a hug with you and hope that God's axe handed reaches as far as needed to punish these abusers~
These thugs, as you call them, will not cease using their power to intimidate and coerce innocent victims. What we should do is create awareness amongst pupils; teach them that there are sick adults who would want to take advantage of their bodies; teach them effective self-defense techniques so that they could escape the claws of such predators; most importantly, teach them that it's not their fault, because guilt will cripple a victim's academic achievements.
ReplyDeleteMy career has not started yet, and I am purposely putting it on hold. I've had it with the general mindset of this country.
Saha Aidek, au fait!
My dear Dorothy. I know I'll sound like a broken record, but whatever atrocity I have experienced will never measure up to the undying pain my mother inflicted upon me. A child can forgive and forget the harshness of the outside world when he comes home to affection, consolation and understanding. But a child will crumble if he is met with all types of hostility, inside and outside the house. As for innocence, life never gave me the chance to experience it. Too early, I could sense exterior motives and intentions towards me, most of which were, sadly, evil. Please remind me to trust my first instinct; it has always proven itself right. Thanks for being here. It means a lot. xo
ReplyDeleteI understand what you are saying. I consider the consequences to be dire for either sex being abused! I for one can attest on my own behalf of my own childhood abuses. It ruined me individually and socially. To this very day so I literally 'spit' on those who take advantage of a child and their vulnerabilities and taking away their innocence. I do not understand, why these older men or women, make advances on the vulnerability of being immature. Granted, I totally respect where you are coming from and I am the last person that would ever state that being gay is an abomination! In fact, I commend those who express their individuality and shun the harsh criticisms the greater populace place on individuals being gay. I am for gay rights! If anything, I will continue to commend those who are most unlike me, meaning, being able to say who they are, what they believe in and are not going away. I need this sort of bravery. I am not gay, and I tirelessly support the rights of those who are.
ReplyDeleteTo you my friend, commend and hold you to the highest of regard for being brave, being who you are and not giving a damn as to what people think of you. For this you are my hero.
I am sorry to hear you, too, have been abused as a child, hun.
ReplyDeleteUnderstand that those who abused us may have been abused in their childhood, too. The difference is that we are aware enough not to pass it around, while our molesters are not aware enough to break the cycle of abuse. We may be emotionally crippled for life, but we know better.
By saying gays are not an abomination, I do not speak on behalf of a divided community dedicated to go extinct. I represent nobody from my race, my faith, my culture, or my identity. An abomination is how I have always been made to feel, by gays and non-gays. So, I adhere to neither, but share humanity with both. I, lately, realized I have often being hated for no reason; I, therefore, will give haters a reason from now on. That's a topic so vehement, it'll need a post. :-)
I am no hero, my friend. My existence comes alive when my soul connects to one like yours. The rest becomes petty detail. So sorry your childhood had been stained by yet another molestation recidivist. I hope we'll find strength and inner peace to extend a helping hand to this often-maligned group, but one that truly doesn't know any better. And I am only talking about those with pathologies, not just plain greedy assholes wanting to taste the flesh of every age, race and sex!
Real pity pal!...I think you fit very well as a teacher of English or a translator in an oil company,why this "hold" thing?there's no other country for us.
ReplyDeleteWell, you know how things go where you and I come from. The concept of 'ladies first' has been taken to extremes so disadvantageous to competent males. Plus, I will not bribe to get a good job, even if I had the means to. Where one was born is not the only piece of land in which one can prosper. I'm giving myself a year to, God willing, move abroad once and for all. Why don't you move abroad?
ReplyDeleteThe question I dn't like the most!Everybody here wonders ,they all agree I don't belong to the local culture...It's not that easy,and you know it(a new life that is not for sure a trip)..nor the other countries are keen to welcome us Arabs,Muslims!..Besides,I'm afraid of racism and xenophobia. I think they have all the right to hate us.Now I'm 34 and if you see me ,my hair is already gray and to be honest I'm not that ambitious although I keep dreaming..
ReplyDeleteDon't believe all the hype you hear/see/read on the media. Your value abroad depends on your productivity and effectiveness professionally, as well as on your loyalty and compassion personally. Race, color, or creed may pop up every now and then, but you know that stems directly from ignorance.
ReplyDeleteIf you got skill and funds, 34 is the perfect age to venture out. And it doesn't take ambition to want to leave at this point; it takes being fed up with constant sabotage and corruption, at all levels! As for gray hair, I found one inside my nose. ,-)
I know that juvenile enthusiasm,I had it once,after I graduated and the some years after.I've seen friends of mine go,all succeeded.they all had this faith in themselves,they had pictured their life there. I'm good now.And in fact age isn't related to the number of years as Jean Libreman said...Maybe being gay has destoyed that faith........And and,all the beauty I dream of is HERE,the Arab flesh and blood,lol
ReplyDeleteIt's not enthusiasm; it's pragmatism. We can live happily hiding in the Arab World, but people are too nosy. So, being gay should reinforce faith in finding abroad an environment more respectful of privacy and tolerant of difference in sexual identity. As for Arab beauty, wouldn't it be better to happily live with it, and even marry it, where same-sex marriage is possible? ;-)
ReplyDelete