Son Confesses Sexual Abuse to Mother

Late afternoon.

On the bathroom seat.

I confessed sexual abuse to mother.

Incensed, she asked "Why didn't you tell me?"

Aside from reporting a male babysitter, this was the first time I'd mentioned names and places.

The inclusion of her two sons in my hall of shame seemed to matter little.

On the spot, I blamed it on the surprise effect.

I, now, think she blindly accepts anything her sons do — except me. She did curse the hell out of the culprits after all, minus her sons.

Many emotions attended the party on mom's face.

Stupor at hearing names of married neighbors she took for saints. Disgust at how they lured kids. Heart wrench over neighbors my age abused.

Sadness for her own child's body and soul was a no-show.

Pleading guilty for the charge of absenteeism could have been palpable if mom were strong enough to admit faulting and try to repair the carcass.

But mother has never been strong.

All that rage, yelling and steely facade were tailor made to intimidate me.

If my child cited my absence as cause of his molestation, I'd be humbled.

But, mother has never been a responsible parent.

She cowardly faked amnesia.

But I reminded her, in detail, how she had caught me after the act, once.

Despite many Aha's, no innate motherly instinct to protect the flesh of her flesh transpired. She let out a halfhearted "Wanna see a shrink?" before pouring water for Pontius Pilate to wash his hands of her son's crucifixion.

A virulent fight, triggered by truth seeking to come out, occurred prior.

Mom had sort of gone back to school and her year-end project happened to be about "Abuse in and outside of Schools." Ironic?

I Googled a chart detailing child abuse consequences.

Right there, I understood why I unknowingly encompassed those traits!

Swallowing my tears while rereading, mom came in to launch yet another gratuitous and degrading attack. Right then, I demanded that she no longer belittle me like that. Blames were exchanged, many accusations denied and a week had passed before I divulged my aversion to her tyranny.

I was in the bathroom but, for the first time, my head wasn't down the seat.


  1. first:
    you expect others to behave as you think you would, in a certain way to fit your romantic, dramatic point of view.
    they're obviously bound to failas they could never meet your expectations. try seeing things from her point of view and understand what she can give, and mostly, what she can't. it relieves your frustration, though it may not give you forgiveness, just an understanding. such is my case...

    i've got to applaud your timing and choice of location...
    could you have made it any more humiliating? but i must salute your courage for confronting her with the truth. you have your way of seeing things, she has hers. but now, she has to integrate your view with hers. what she does with it is her business, it's no longer your problem. it may open a new dialogue, she may blame/judge you, she may find in her the ability of some kindness, maybe not. just don't expect. it's her issues, not yours. just appreciate you've been able to open up in a concrete way about this. you might find some relief in having done so, stopping to feel ignored in this.

    but next time you want to confront someone, try the dining room, with your pants on...
    i'm just saying, you know!!


  2. I will commend you on your bravery. Telling your mother must have been hard. Especially considering the circumstances you were in (i.e. bathroom). I do understand where you are coming from. Thank you for sharing such a painful issue.

    Be well.


  3. Un cabinet peut être un excellent endroit propice aux confidences, mais... un cabinet d'aisance? I don't know...

    Toujours est-il que je ne peux que lever mon chapeau devant ce geste de bravoure, nonobstant les circonstances.

    Ticklebear a raison, maintenant que le chat est sorti du sac, ce qu'il en adviendra n'est plus de ton ressort. Je peux parfaitement comprendre le sentiment de frustration qui résulte de la réaction apparemment indifférente ou du moins peu concernée par les torts qui t'ont été faits, mais avouons que c'est un gros morceau à digérer. J'imagine qu'elle doit ruminer sur ce qui a été dit depuis.

    De ton côté, tu dois maintenant te sentir soulagé, non? Continue à aller de l'avant, ce qui est fait est fait. Les plaies ne sont probablement pas toutes cicatrisées (le seront-elles un jour?) mais tu dois composer avec elles pour continuer ton chemin. Malheureusement. Mais, rien ne dit que le futur ne pourra pas être meilleur, n'est-ce pas? En fait, il ne PEUT qu'être meilleur!

    Ce que j'ai appris jusqu'à maintenant de la vie, c'est que l'on est seul. Je ne dis pas ça avec amertume et je ne suis pas dépressive non plus, mais c'est un fait. Il ne faut pas s'attendre à grand chose des autres. Nous sommes les seuls maîtres à bord de nos vies, et nous seuls savons ce qui est meilleur pour nous. Alors l'approbation, la considération et tout ce baratin de la part des autres, nous pouvons les attendre en vain pendant longtemps!
    L'important c'est ce que tu penses de TOI. Et je crois que tu viens de faire un bon départ dans la bonne direction!

    Je m'excuse pour ce long commentaire... En tant que vieille picouille, je me permets de diffuser mon expérience et ma vision... encore une fois, tu en fais ce que tu veux!


  4. Usually I just read your post and unable to comment, except my jaw dropped every time reading those experiences you had. despite all these, I wish a beautiful life and ending come to your way dear. Don't stop looking for it.

  5. I wish I was there beside you, even just to give you a warm hug. You are a brave man to begin with. After those experiences when you're a kid, God knows how strong a person you are. I sincerely wish for all those abused kids out there can have or at least, glimpse of your bravery.

    bluecrystaldude a.k.a Haaziq Zahar

  6. @ bluecrystaldude:
    if this was the case, it would mean that millions upon millions of people would have to see this, as sexual abuse is rampant all around the planet. i don't think our host would mind the traffic though; and he'd sure welcome the warm hug...
    who would?!?

  7. Again I am pleasantly floored at your ability to make poetry of your pain. I'm also glad to see you don't seem quite such a masochist as many who see the world through that lens. You are relieving the pressure inside you and if you keep at it the world will become a less painful place. Your capacity to own up to your sensitivity and memory is your strength, though some would call it weakness, as is your ability to go through these experiences without shutting down and becoming like your persecutors.

    Your mother sounds very proud. If she feels any shame or guilt for what happened to you, it will be at odds with her pride and it will be a while before she can admit it, particularly if there was any element of accusation about the conversation. The fact that you are able to be so vulnerable-- to articulate a truth like this at all, much less on the toilet-- is a shock to a proud person, who feels the need to maintain a facade of untouchability. If she ever does come around to confessing or apologizing for what happened to you, I hope you will be able to be the better person and accept it despite its lateness.

    There, shrink rendered unnecessary. Get some rest; I hope you feel like this was a step in the right direction and that you'll soon be ready for another. I have often made the mistake of taking solace in a sense of victimhood and using it to forgive my own failings; I hope this temptation doesn't ensnare you.

    --gumbosolo from RJ

  8. Choice of location.... priceless! Just flush away if you don't get the desired response?

    No seriously, where was not important in the slightest, the fact that you told her was! And for that you have to be commended in ways that words cannot really express (or at least I cannot express them). It's no longer the elephant in the room that everyone can touch and feel, but choose not to see....!

    Let the hugfest begin..


  9. Even if the reaction was not what was hoped for you can start to heal yourself. Often it's just telling someone else, someone close to you, that makes a world of difference. Learning that holding back just aggravates situations.

  10. Your mom is just angry at herself. She has to blame you or else she would have to shoulder some of the blame. I mean how can anyone go through that kind of abuse and their mom doesn't see that something is wrong. She should be hugging you and apologizing to you for not realizing - but sometimes when a child is molested that have to keep reliving the anger through other people. I told you before about my husband, he was molested for year by his father and when he finally came to terms with it, after years of drug use and other destructive behavior, people in his family didn't really believe him UNTIL his dad was put in jail for 5 years for molesting another one of his kids. His dad is out and has visited us recently - can you imagine how shocked I was when he started talking to me about the molestation and told me it was my husbands moms fault - because she didn't give him what he needed - a 65 year old man trying to blame the kid mom because he is a pervert - GRRRRRRR -

  11. i agree, kudos for telling her.
    guilt and shame can make people react and act in ways that we can never understand.

  12. @TICKLEBEAR: Haha. I am sure he won't mind the traffic influx ;)


  13. Well done, my friend, well done! Telling your mom is much better than going to see a shrink and tellling HIM! How could HE be concerned, huh? He's just there to take your money.
    Now as far as your mother's concerned, I think it's rather her who should go see a shrink. I don't think you'll ever change her, judging by her reaction. I've found out that this is one of the must difficult things to understand and accept in life: that nobody is, thinks, feels like me. The more the person concerned is dear to me, the more difficult this is. So what you expect of your mother (show emotions, grief, whatever) is most likely not to happen. She is the person she is. But where you are perfectly right and where you'll have to insist is that she has to accept you as you are, too. And she's got no right to humiliate you, to treat you as if you weren't the wonderful, gifted person you are. Once again, let me France-Gall you on ('Résiste, prouve que tu existes…') Hugs 'n' kisses from Paris.

  14. @ bluecrystaldude:
    but have you noticed how absent our host has been so far since posting this?...
    where are you boy??
    there's fashionably late,
    and there's missing in action here...


  15. @ dieter:
    for once, a good quote of miss should be his life motto!!

  16. @ Ticklebear: I never expect people to behave like I want them to. Certain situations call for certain reactions that we innately see as befitting. A mother hearing her son admit he's known far more abuse than the one she generously inflicted upon him is one of these situations that should be met with compassion and a semblance of regret; regret at not knowing and at worsening the trauma by adding to it daily torture at home.

    If you, for example, had a kid who's been through abuse and admits it to you, so that you stop adding more of it to his overflowing abuse container, what would you do?

    As for the location, I did not choose it. It chose itself. Nor did I plan to talk about sexual abuse with my judgmental mother. Her year-end project about abuse ignited the conversation, because she wanted to brainstorm the reasons behind it and its possible sources.

    Who better than me could answer, in your opinion?

    I understand it may be shocking, to you, for someone to leave the bathroom door open, but it isn't "weird" in our household. Ever since I was little, mom sipped her coffee in the bathroom, my math book in hand, trying to help me solve a math problem (to no avail). Our bathroom seems to be a modern-day Athenian scholarly debate space.

    Unbeknown to you, many of the posts on here have been written in my bathroom. Something about release. ;) Here I have voluntarily given readers a reason to call my content shitty, at some point. :D

    I still fail to understand how your view my viewpoint as dramatic, though. If there's anybody who has known motherly "inaction" in the face of sexual abuse inflicted upon a child, it is you. So, what gives?

  17. @ AIDY: Oddly, I was trying to help myself while helping her with her project. I wanted her to see that many of the behaviors I display today - those she hates and never misses a chance to humiliate me for - are a direct consequence of the physical/verbal/emotional abuse she was responsible for, and the sexual abuse I experienced that she was responsible for not trying to heal, especially since she knew about my nanny's son. Thanks for stopping by!

  18. @ Lucrecia:

    Le lieu et le sujet de discussion furent imposés par les circonstances. Sans son projet de fin d'année, on n'aurait jamais eu une telle série de confessions. Je ne m'attendais à rien sauf à ce qu'elle arrête de me dévaloriser à chaque fois que je ne rentre pas dans sa vision du fils idéal.

    Pour elle, il faudrait que je me fasse beaucoup d'argent, que je conduise une voiture, que je lui présente une nouvelle petite amie tous les jours, que je me fasse des amis bien placés en société et que je sois effronté, agressif et opportuniste. Elle est obsédée par le concept d'ascension sociale et s'attendait à ce que je réalise son ambition.

    Dès qu'elle s'aperçoit que ces traits-là ne feront jamais partie de qui je suis, elle pète un câble et s'acharne sur moi. Pour elle, je suis un raté, un bon-à-rien ... une déception ... un échec. Mais elle ne veut pas admettre qu'elle y est pour quelque chose. Un parent éduque son enfant du mieux qu'il peut, alors que ma mère m'a brutalisée et m'a terrorisée toute ma vie.

    J'ai eu marre d'être une victime, alors j'ai exigé du respect ! Je voulais qu'elle arrête de normaliser la violence domestique en disant que tout le monde le fait ; ou qu'elle justifie sa brutalité par la façon dont elle a été élevée. Peu de parents coupent le poignet de leurs enfants avec un grand couteau de cuisine. Même grand-père, un homme assez strict, n'avait jamais utilisé une telle tyrannie chez lui.

    Je ne m'attends à rien de la part de ma mère, sauf qu'elle me foute la paix. Apparemment, c'est trop le lui demander.

  19. there's the boy!!!

    what gives???
    my mom coming brutally face to face with my father extracting his pleasure from me, and choosing to simply go back to the living room watching her damn tv.
    that's what gives.
    calling me a whore, thinking i had seduced her husband, for years, that's what gives.
    never quite understanding me and holding a grudge against me, that's what gives...
    YOU WANT MORE?????????????????
    THAT'S WHAT GIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    honey, i love you, but don't tell me about pain. been there, done that!!!
    and i've been carrying the pain and the shame for far longer than you have, give or take some 30 years....

    IF I HAD KIDS???
    on one new year's eve which i had to share with
    "him", in a drunken haze, as it was my only way to face him, i swore to him it ended with me.
    'cause i know i'd kill anyone who'd touch my kid(s), no matter what the law of MAN thought of it...
    i am territorial by nature, very teritorial. it has been noticed in other venues, and it wouldn't be any different if i had had kids. quite the contrary!!!!
    i can be of a gentle, nurturing nature, but this.....
    i would kill!!!!
    without any remorse!!!!!!!!!...
    at all!!!!

    do not judge my reaction to your bathroom "situation"...
    i have my own issues in that regard!!!
    anything bathroom related is one...
    no offense intended.
    i just felt this was the worst scenario possible, you, trousers down, telling about the worst time of your life...
    i have too much of a vivid imagination.....
    i'm shivering just thinking about it.
    if you have to confront someone:
    dining room, trousers up!!!!
    you know i'm just giving you one massive hug. i'd wrap you up with my own body just to protect you, but, that might be a challenge...
    gotta give up those desserts!!!
    there's only SO MUCH i can cover....


  20. from the comment you made to LUCRECIA, i conclude your mom is living by proxy...
    don't go there, boy!!!
    i know what's it's like and it could be nothing but a less-than-perfect fit for you...
    be yourself!!!
    and glad to have you back here. i was feeling like the host, or something...
    let her deal with her own shit...

  21. @ Independent Queen: I apologize if the nature of my content can sound a bit overwhelming. It's just that this is my diary, written by emotions, bottled up for too long. I hope a shade of my goofiness is felt in my writings, though. Thank you, dear. :-)

  22. @ Haaziq:

    Thank you for the hug; I doubt you'd like to hug me given where I was at the time, though. :D Teasing. Teasing!

    I'm still a kid in mom's presence, the same kid who feels in the company of a stranger, not knowing what to do or say to avoid provoking her anger and make her direct an affectionate gesture my way. To her, that's weakness and she despises that.

    I, now, realize mom has not been raised properly, if at all. Grandpa was too busy trying to secure food in a war-stricken country, while grandma tried to raise 13 kids. So, mom had no upbringing to exercise on me except: hit, repeat, hit harder, repeat.

    I am over being sexually touched. I am over being bullied. But I am not over being denied my right for respect.

    Big hugs

  23. @ dylzie: I enjoyed the affection sexual inappropriateness entailed, too. As sick as it may sound to some, it was the only time I got to be held or caressed, two things parents should provide int he first place.

    I guess if you're 100% sure you're not damaged by molestation, you don't need to let your parents know about it. This, however, doesn't justify the deed, since a child is not emotionally as developed as the molester to turn down the advances.

  24. @ Andw:

    You hit the nail on the head! My mother sees sensitivity, generosity, cheerfulness and introversion as weakness. Because she is a big shot herself. Uh huh.

    I get on her nerves being candid, discrete, soft-spoken and minimalist. Her idea of a the ideal son is a ruthless, canning and macho guy, none of which I am or aspire to be.

    Cowardice is the only noun attached to mom's treatment of her son. She knows she's never been there, through thick or thin; she is aware she traumatized both my body and psyche, through indescribable boxing matches with a tied-up opponent; she realizes she is at immense fault, but she is too cowardly to try to make up for it.

    I am not asking her to change things but to show me a sincere glimpse of genuine regret. Intention to redeem herself, just the intention, would be more than enough.

    Thank you for writing with your heart on here. I'm touched.

  25. @ Kyivite: Flush away, indeed. ;-)

    Abusive mothers need to take it upon themselves to sit down and listen to how the world has suffered from their brutality. If an abusive person doesn't get grossed out by the cruelty s/he caused and commit suicide or ask for forgiveness, s/he just doesn't realize the degree of pain s/he caused.

    I am not gonna stand there, tears muting my mouth, and take anymore abuse from my mother. I tried to calmly discuss our issues, even had a scream off with her, but she never listens. It's clear in her mind, she is the victim and everybody else cannot blame her for her actions.

    Hug cake for two? :-)

  26. @ Andrea: I have been in an abusive relationship with my mother for the past 27 years. We're not married, so I can't divorce. We're not business partners, so I can't split up. We're not even friends, so I can't buy us a pizza and laugh our differences away. I, however, feel I'll leave the country altogether, and send her what she loves more than her son: money.

  27. @ Sheila: Mom is angry, indeed, for the wrong reasons. Luckily, the weight of life's tribulations didn't impact the elasticity of her skin. Thanks to this punching bag of hers that's replying to your kind comments, her face is unfamiliar with wrinkles. So, that's at least a positive in this story.

    Your husband's father is just nuts. For him to blame his perversion on his wife is irresponsible! One has got to admire your husband for still accepting to be in the vicinity of the man who gave him life then took it all away. This is probably a common trait between your husband and I: still respecting our parents despite their cruelty.

    My warmest regards and respect to your hubby!

  28. @ Stacie: If I am a monster, mom created me. Sometimes, I wonder why I am still clinging to being friendly and kind. Oh well, if you see me on the news ... wave at the TV screen. :D

  29. @ Dieter: You're right! Mom's refusal to show genuine emotion, weakness and helplessness included, will kill her in the long run. Scientifically, emotions like affection and love prompt glands to secrete healthy hormones. Just the same way babies unattended to grow up with health ailments, as opposed to nurtured babies. To think that mom has never hugged me ...

    I told her to see a shrink, but she claims she's not crazy. I think she has many concepts all wrong; how to treat the flesh of her flesh is one of them. One thing's for sure, she'll find herself all alone, sooner or later. Hugs!

  30. never apologize for what you do here...................

  31. @ Ticklebear:

    I know all the things you have been through, and I always said that my experience could never measure up to yours. And I chose to wash my dirty laundry in public when things got too heavy to carry, something about which you seem reluctant.

    I've always expressed my admiration of you still standing after all these years of cohabiting with the much-too-alive pain, but you shouldn't flag off my own struggle as 'dramatic' just because you've seen and experienced worse. You can but shouldn't. You know too well how depressing it feels to still see/hear/respond to the person who caused you the most pain in life. It is exhausting!

    I may not have chosen the bathroom, as a setting for the story, but I deliberately chosen to include it in the text to show that the bathroom, and everything we do in it, may evoke disgust but it remains natural; while sexual abuse is both unnatural and nasty, let alone if it's incestuous.

    All in all, I count you as one of my solid friends even if, to you, I'm not discrete enough and, to me, you're too discrete when it comes to getting your story out there for the world to read, in English. You've been through far worse than Russian spam mail or customer service incompetence. Just saying.

    <--- End of the serious part --->

    What do you mean you have issues with anything related to bowel movement? You're GAY! I'm told gays enjoy having their bowel movements pushed back up for sexual nirvana. ;)

    P.S. I was not confronting my mom on the bathroom seat. I was helping her brainstorm reasons for and sources of abuse, which led her to ask how I knew that much. If it were a confrontation, mom would've run away & played deaf.

  32. i was hoping to have a decent talk with my mom before i died...
    and she had a stroke....
    i wished to tell her i had not seduced my father, i had not taken her place, but she died.... before i could explain myself. the guilt, the guilt, the guilt!!! i was never prepared for the confidences my dad make to me. her frigidity [supposedly] but i think he was justb afraid of her, as she was a very sensual woman, and my heart goes out to her...
    he expected her to cum just by looking at her, but he was never the kind to melt hearts just like that...
    she needed more and understandebly so....
    what a jackass he was/is....
    if i could rewrite history, i would,
    but i can't....


  33. you make me laugh at the worst of time!!!!
    bowel movements???
    honey!!! i douche!!!
    the only reliable way to get rid of all that shit...
    i did not judge you and please, get over the drama!!!

    and the only reason i discuss this on my only french blog, is that that blog is for my mom, as she spoke french. it is, after all, my first language, though some people might argue it is not my primary...obviously...
    we all have our reasons to behave in a certain way, and "l'encre noir de mes veines" shall remain as it is, an homage!!! to her, to my pain, and to my wishful thinking that HE might die anytime soon...
    here's hoping!!!
    and i've never wished harm upon anyone, except perhaps saddam husseing, george bush and some local politicians...
    there is more to me than pain, and what if i make light of my daily routine? a little humor goes a long way, and it keeps me alive. would you wish it otherwise?

    that can be arranged...easily...
    i feel no strong ties to this world anyway.


  34. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!
    the typos!!!!!!!!!
    i should read myself before posting my comments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    typos, typos, typos!!!
    all over the place!!
    between my dyslexia and my big fingers on the keyboard,
    i don't stand a chance!!
    any typos here?
    i see none...
    dare i press the "post comment" button?
    am i sure there's no typos???




  35. @ Ticklebear: You can't rewrite history, but you can write it.

    And your history is worth being chronicled and read, especially that I know it'll include shots of humor, stabs of sarcasm and pop sickles of irony. Humor remains the most effective defense mechanisms we, humans, possess.

    Poor mom probably couldn't accept the fact that a man could do such things to his own offspring. I'm sure she didn't mean a word when accusing you of seducing your own father. We, today, say we would have left, making sure he gets jailed, but we can't really know what was going on inside her head, may she rest in peace.

    "L'encre Noir de Mes Veines" needs to live on, just like your momma's memory. It is, undoubtedly, a beautiful and touching tribute. And yes, humor must lighten up our murky daily grind. I just wish I could see more of your experience written in [a modern version of ]Shakespeare's language, even if you beautifully express it in la langue de Molière. A guy can fantasize, can't he? :)

    Douching or not, your brownie factory will always be lethal, honey (Since we're having a Honey off here)! Unless you pushed the "off" button by not eating or drinking for a month or more, your factory workers will continue to be productive. And those brownies are not exactly of the healthy kind, as they contain a harmful kind of peanuts.

    Your fantasy to devour that new colleague's rear view has just been shattered! Truth be told, however, your quirks are most adorable. :D

  36. the way she just turned around and went back to the living room to watch tv after catching us in flagrant delictus is proof of her shutting down...
    that's why i had always hoped we could have a talk. unfortunately, she died before he did...

    as for quirks, well...
    yeah, i got those!!!

  37. Good for you for vomiting all that up!!!
    Beautiful writing.
    You've done your part and what she does with it is her problem.
    Hugs to are so brave to face your fears.

  38. Hug cake for 2 is definitely a must!!!!! Any preference... I'm a stem ginger man myself ;)

  39. @ Ticklebear: I think your mom, rest her soul, needed not to talk about it because she saw it with her own eyes, which did shut her down. No mother would wanna see such a brutal view. Deep down her heart, she knew you were a victim, but blaming others sometimes helps lessen the shock.

    As for quirks, when it rains, it pours, and I like the rain :D Happy Monday, Tick-tock-le-bear. Hugs.

  40. @ WahWahGirl: Thank you. Mom, now, reports to me news of pedophiles caught and jailed whenever she this topic is discussed on TV. I think it's quite the improvement in her awareness levels. ,-)

    Hugs back at ya, and I like your username! :-)

  41. @ Kyivite: I hope you won't confuse ginger man cake with ginger layers of my facial scruff. Not the same taste. :D

  42. *big hugs* you deserved a much better response from her :( much love xx

  43. the damage have been done, what is best now is to move on and be rehabilitated in order to restore lost dignity

  44. @ Daniel: Mom will always be the same, I predict. But, deep down, she knows I have been too shattered to fix, from childhood. I guess she wants me to do good regardless of trauma. xo

  45. @ imelda: You're right. Restored dignity will come at a costly price, but I must take chances even if those risk upsetting people around me. Thanks for the support.

  46. Unbeknown to you, many of the posts on here have been written in my bathroom. Something about release. ;) Here I have voluntarily given readers a reason to call my content shitty, at some point. :D

    You made me LOL hard.

  47. Funny thing about will go to great lengths to protect itself even as far as blatant ignorance.

    I have taken a while to share my thoughts on this post as I feared being seen as a protector of the abuser. When in actual fact I do not protect any abuser , but I do work very hard at understanding what makes a person tick.
    Your mother would have never ...ever connected the dots even through the course she is taking because denial has a funny way of self-justifying every situation it choses to ignore.
    Why the denial in your mothers action and to your suffrage... mote than likely the fact that she herself could not conceive of it and/or was too weak to do anything about it.
    For her to acknowledge your pain and hold you in her arms would most certainly be an admission of her own denial and allowance of the horrors you experienced.

    Realize that she does know...deep down inside of her....she does weep. She is not the kind mother that you wanted and/or want her to be and she cannot change that.

    We all know who we are and what we do when it comes to right and wrong...not all of us can choose to deal with our weaknesses as denial is an easier shield to hide behind.

    For you to confront her was necessary for your own healing and need to expel so many hurts and hates. To see her look of guilt and shock was for you some small form of satisfaction in knowing that at least the acknowledgement is there. Did you get what you wanted most of all from expect any more from her would be only setting yourself up for a huge disappointment as it is not in her to come forward and comfort you.

    I believe I mentioned once before that whatever went on in her life has a great deal to do with her own monsters and demons. She hides for a reason. Unfortunately you are her son and you have been the victim.

    It is in your control to end the abuse right now.
    As you would never do that to your own child. This is where the chain of abuse gets broken forever. That my dear friend is an awesome move forward .

    You have broken a chain that many be proud and embellish in your victory~

    I personally have never been a supporter of psychiatrist...genuine ones are far and few in my experiences and research... again her offer of taking you to a 'shrink'... was yet another side step to her own ability to deal with things~

    In a word...WELL DONE~...Ok...that was 2 words...but you get my jest~

    Hugzzzz to you my friend~

    P.S..I see you too are Libra in the stars~
    We connect in many ways~

    Also...please do rewrite the post..I almost added it the other day until I was sidetracked ~
    If you have a photo to accompany it...please feel free to attach also.
    My mail is:

  48. @ vange: Why, you guys never read or write in the bathroom? My family and I can't be the only freaks on this planet. :-)

  49. @ Dorothy: Mom was asking for help to brainstorm sources of abuse. It's because I've had enough of her own verbal and emotional abuse that I spat out the truth about my experience with molestation. This was my opportunity to ask her not to add more layers of abuse to my overflowing abuse tank.

    Mom is in denial because she was almost never there when I was going through things. And my doing good in school, eating whatever she cared to cook, and never asking for new clothes lured her into thinking I was happy. Early on, she taught me not to confide in her, because she'd always play nice to get me to confess to, unexpectedly, beat me.

    Dorothy, mom will never change; she's the kind of people who assume you're fine until they see you die. But my inner child needed to be helped and only I could do that. Thanks for the time you put in proving me with such deep insight. Forever grateful to you, my fellow Libra. :-)

  50. thank you for posting this and thank you for your strength. i don't really see what good my words would be as you clearly know your own situation better than anybody else, and i don't believe in giving people meaningless advice.

    your strength is inspiring.


  51. Thank you for your solidarity and friendly sentiment. :)

  52. This is really sad...